


Zero, Three or More

by Tokei_B



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mild Language, My First Work in This Fandom, Other, References to Depression, Thriller, Violence, What Have I Done, help me I have 'Itoshii Hito e' on the brain after this, how do you tag, idol drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 08:31:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 24,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16950531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tokei_B/pseuds/Tokei_B
Summary: A  thriller idol drama in which Reiji is a workaholic detective whose parents were killed nine years ago. Co-starring Ranmaru who plays Reiji’s boss in the police force and an OC as Reiji’s sister.[CAST INTRO:]Kotobuki Reiji: Leader of Quartet Night. Show business veteran. Plays Minazuki Reiji, senior police detective. Has made it his personal mission to persuade everyone he sees on set that karaage goes with everything.Kurosaki Ranmaru: Member of Quartet Night. Plays Kisaragi Ranmaru, police detective, sergeant. Was last seen extolling the virtues of the not-so-humble banana to the supporting cast of the drama.It was inevitable that one of them who’d just had a close encounter with Reiji would raise their hand and ask if bananas really went as well with karaage as Reiji claimed they did. Ranmaru’s answering roar could be heard through two studio sets.Serizawa Kotoko: Newbie idol with two years in showbiz so far. First major drama role, previously only had bit parts. Plays Minazuki Kotoko, second year high school student. Would like to know where Reiji managed to find a convenience store out in the middle of the woods.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic breaks a lot of new ground for me:  
> \- First fic for the Utapri fandom  
> \- First fic written after about a year's hiatus  
> \- First multi-chapter fic. All my previous fic for other fandoms was about five pages max. This one came up to over fifty pages all in.  
> \- First fic written backwards, from the ending up. Why do I do these things to myself?
> 
> To the astute readers who spot that Kotoko doesn't get a nickname from Reiji: the only things I can come up with are either 'Kokkin' or 'Kotoko-chan'. The former means either 'state ban' or 'niello', so that only leaves the latter.
> 
> To the punctuation-conscious readers: My brain cannot tell the difference in usage between a dash and a semi-colon, no matter how hard I try. I am very sorry.
> 
> In fact, 'I am very sorry' just about sums up my feelings towards Ranmaru and Reiji throughout the entirety of this fic.

[NINE YEARS AGO:]

They say that funerals are for the living. Reiji is on his knees and thinking that if he had a choice, this one wouldn’t be held. He vacantly watches the people pass by and pay their respects to the coffins at the front of the room. It’s just like that black-and-white movie he watched online once: everyone’s in monochrome, their movements jerky and in slow motion, no sound coming from their lips as they kneel in front of him and offer their condolences. There’s no cut in screen with subtitles, but it’s always the same few words so he doesn’t really care.

“We are so sorry for your loss.”  
_So am I._

“They were such good people. It’s too cruel.”  
_Yes, it is._

“You children are still so young. What are you going to do now?”  
_We’ll live._

There’s a sudden weight on his upper arm. It’s his sister, dozing off and startling awake again when her head bumps into him. He rubs her back and tells her to go sleep in one of the side rooms; it’s been a long, surreal day for him, let alone an eight-year-old. She rubs her eyes and shakes her head stubbornly, one hand sleepily finding and curling into his. He’s secretly glad that he won’t be left alone and squeezes her fingers back.

Another couple in black kneels down before them. They are his mother’s cousins, relatives that he only briefly saw during the new year when they used to spend it at their grandfather’s place. The last time he saw them was at his grandmother’s funeral, and now here they are again. Reiji feels that the mourning suit he’s wearing is beginning to feel a bit too worn in for his liking.

He wonders why they’re here.

“It was such a shock to us,” The woman in front of him dabs at her dry eyes with a handkerchief. Earlier, one of his father’s colleagues had returned after paying their respects and handed Reiji a towel wrapped around a few ice cubes, along with an embarrassed mumble on how it’d help the swelling around his eyes. Reiji left it on the floor next to him and it has been there since, the ice long melted.

“And so sudden too. There wasn’t enough time for proper arrangements, but we just want to let you know that you and Kotoko are always welcome in our house--”

The man next to her cuts in hurriedly. “What she means is that we would love to take you in  since there isn’t anyone else left to do so, but we’ll be going overseas soon and we understand that you probably don’t want to leave the country right now, especially with the two of you still in school, not to mention all the things that need to be taken care of after the funeral…”

Oh. So that’s why.

“We’ll be fine,” he replies dully. “We’ll take care of ourselves.”

He can practically feel the relief rolling off the couple in front of him at his answer.

“But you’re still in high school, aren’t you?” His mother’s cousin seems determined to play the role of the concerned but helpless relative to the end. “And your sister’s still so little too. How will you cope?”

“I’ll manage.” He stares at her steadily, his hand tightening around Kotoko’s.

“Well, if you say so,” She finally backs off, cowed. Her husband next to her gives her warning glare.

“Still,” he says as if to round things off. “To think there would be such a terrible accident.”

“It wasn’t an accident.”

Reiji’s gaze makes the couple in front of him lean back a little.

“Of course it’s hard to accept, what with it being so sudden and all,” the older man says soothingly. “But the police already said--”

“The police are wrong,” Reiji said shortly. “Dad knew that that stretch of road was dangerous. He would never drive there and would always rather take a longer way around.”

“Something must have happened that day to make him take that way, perhaps a traffic jam or--”

“No.” Reiji says with all the certainty of his eighteen years. “Never.” The look in his eyes is enough to pierce through steel.

The other man sighs, exasperated. “I understand, you still can’t accept what has happened. Listen to me Reiji, we--”

“No, you listen.” Reiji is on his feet now. He doesn’t realise that he’s raising his voice, trying to tell everyone that what they’ve been telling him, that what they want him to believe in is wrong. “It wasn’t an accident. The police are wrong, my parents are dead and it wasn’t because of a car accident. Why doesn’t anyone believe me?” The last part comes out as a snarl.

The sudden silence that drops over the hall is frightening. He can’t feel the burning eyes of everyone present on him, can’t hear the whispers that rise up behind barely covered mouths. The silence is gradually replaced by a susurration of murmuring that grows louder, building up until it’s like a wave on the verge of crashing down and sweeping him away. Reiji isn’t sure which he’s trembling more from, fear or sheer rage. It’s only a small tug on his sleeve that stops him from lashing out at everyone present.

“Reirei?”

He looks down and bends over his sister. “I’m sorry, Kotoko,” His words are shaky and he doesn’t know what he’s apologising for. But Kotoko wraps her arms around his legs and looks back up at him. “I believe you, Reirei.” She turns towards the twin coffins at the front of the hall and leans the side of her head against him. “I don’t want to say goodbye to Mom and Dad.”

Reiji is surprised that he still has so many tears left in him.

“Yeah. I don’t want to either.”

***

[PRESENT DAY:]

The morning sun shone through the kitchen windows onto Reiji’s busy hands as he worked next to the sink. He deftly chopped up tomatoes and cucumbers, laying the slices out carefully as final touches to two lunch boxes. There was the sound of a chair being pushed back and someone coming over to stand next to him.

“Look.” He showed off his two miniature masterpieces. “What do you think?”

Still chewing on the piece of toast in her hand, Kotoko nodded in approval.

“It looks great,” she smiled. “Thanks as always, Reiji. What’s that?”

“A surprise.” Reiji waved his chopsticks in admonishment at his sister’s suddenly stiff expression. “Hey hey hey, no picky eaters allowed in this house. Make sure you finish every bite. I’ll check when I get back tonight.”

“No you won’t,” she replied with absolute certainty, finishing off the last of her toast. “Because by the time you get home it’ll be past eleven and everything would have been washed up. It’s been weeks since the last time you came home before ten.”

“I’ll still know,” insisted Reiji. “The lunch box itself will tell me!” Kotoko knew better than to ask what sort of conversation anyone could have with a plastic lunch box in the early hours of the morning. “Besides, there’s bunny rice balls to go with it today. You don’t want to disappoint the bunnies, right?”

“Did you know that your animal rice balls are the highlight of my classmates’ lunchtimes? And it’s not just the rice balls, I almost always have to wait for them to finish taking pictures of your lunches before I can actually eat.”

Reiji lighted up at this piece of news. “Really? You should show them my lunch box blog then. Tell them to follow me.” He had stars in his eyes now. “With this, being the number one food blog this week may not just be a dream anymore!”

Kotoko stared at her brother in disbelief. “I don’t know where you find the time to care about blog rankings, or to even maintain that blog for that matter.”

“Oh come on, where’s the harm in helping your hardworking big brother realise one of his tiny dreams,” he said, capping both boxes and wrapping them individually in cloth with a practiced hand. “Besides, I happen to be an expert at multitasking. Here you go, one Minazuki daily special. Today’s theme is loveliness and cuteness so no leftovers please~”

“Yes, yes.”

“Good girl.” He patted her on the head and glanced at the kitchen clock. “Better get going or else you’ll be late.” Reiji finished washing up the last of the dishes while listening to Kotoko tell their parents that she was heading out for the day. He waited until he heard her footsteps in the living room before following her to the door, wiping his wet hands on his apron as he did.

“Did you forget anything? Handkerchief? Umbrella? Phone? Okay, have a good day at school. Remember to call me if anything happens. No goodbye hug? Alright, alright. See you tonight.”

He watched until his sister turned the corner and was out of sight before closing the door.

“Right, my turn to get going. There’ll be no mercy for me if I’m late,” he mumbled to himself. Hanging up his apron, he padded to the family altar and greeted the photographs of his parents inside it.

“Morning Mum, morning Dad. Looks like another busy day for the both of us again. Please watch over us today as well, okay?”

He looped his tie into his collar, his fingers expertly pulling and knotting it into its final shape while he continued to talk. Pulling on his jacket, he kneeled on the cushion in front of the altar, his palms pressing into his thighs as he gazed at the black and white photos of the smiling couple inside.

“Hey Mum, Dad,” he said quietly. “It’s going to be alright. We’ve made it this far already, so please don’t worry about us.”

He clapped his hands together, bowed his head briefly, then got back to his feet. Grabbing his bag and sticking the last piece of toast from breakfast into his mouth, he hurried out, the sound of his keys locking up sharp in the emptiness of the house.


	2. Chapter 2

“When we were kids, Kotoko used to follow me around all over the place, calling ‘Reirei, Reirei!’ It was so cute!” 

Ranmaru silently hefted the file in his hands and wondered if Reiji’s skull would crack if he bashed him with it. He knew that it still wouldn’t stop him from talking though so he gave up on the idea, albeit reluctantly. 

“But now,” Reiji drooped visibly over the desk, sighing. ”Now it’s just ‘Reiji’. I’ve told her that it’s fine to be spoiled sometimes but she won’t listen. It’s like she’s trying to grow up too fast. Big brother’s so lonely!”

Ranmaru had no idea how to console the suddenly melancholic man next to him, or even if he deserved it. “Eh, she’s at that age, isn’t she,” he hazarded awkwardly. “Teenagers, you know.”

Reiji perked right back up again. “She’s in her second year of high school now! Her grades are fantastic, much better than mine when I was in school, I’ve met her homeroom teacher and do you know how young school teachers are these days, I couldn’t believe my eyes, anyway her teacher said--”

“Oi. No one asked about-”

“-so if she keeps it up she can probably get into any college that she chooses next year. College! COLLEGE!” Reiji grabbed Ranmaru by the front of his shirt and bawled. “What if she gets a boyfriend there? What if she decides to get married and drop out of school? Or what if she hangs out with the wrong crowd and becomes a delinquent and runs away from home? Ranran, what do I do?!”

Ranmaru finally gave in and gave Reiji a swift, hard chop to the head.

“Shut up.” Then as an afterthought, he tossed in another helpful piece of advice. “Just die then.”

“So cruel! Where’s the love for your subordinate in his time of need?”

“It’s there if he really needs it,” Ranmaru shot back bluntly. “For god’s sake Reiji, she’s going to be an adult in a few years. Let the kid make her own decisions. You’re acting more like her dad than her brother.”

“I can’t help it,” whined Reiji. “It’s been just the two of us for so long now, someone has to do it.”

Ranmaru paused while sliding the file back in its place in the cabinet behind him.

“Right. Sorry about that.” He glanced at the desk calendar, barely visible among the mountains of paperwork and files on the table. “It’s this month, isn’t it? Your parents’ anniversary.”

“The week after next.” Reiji was still smiling, but it felt different from before. “I’ll still be coming in anyway--”

He yelped and covered his forehead with both hands. 

“I keep telling you,” Ranmaru scowled, his fingers moving from Reji’s forehead to inflicting a painful flick to his cheek with every word uttered. “Take the day off. Damn it Reiji, we’ve been doing this every year since you joined. Take the hint already and stop coming in on that day.”

“I’m really fine with coming back though,” said Reiji, rubbing his cheeks resentfully. “But thanks anyway, Ranran. I appreciate it, I do.” The softness in his voice was suddenly replaced by mild panic. “But what am I going to tell my parents if Kotoko really runs away from home? How am I going to explain to them- Ow! Stop it! That hurts!”


	3. Chapter 3

Kotoko had been convinced that her brother had found a way to eliminate the need for sleep. That would have been the only way to explain how he found time for all his interests, on top of his demanding job which saw him coming back in the early hours of the morning and sometimes had him out on overnight trips for days. She hadn’t even included him somehow still being able to prepare both breakfast and lunch boxes for the both of them on the days that he was actually home.

Then one night a dry throat had woken her up in the middle of the night and she had gone to the kitchen for a drink. On her way back she noticed that Reiji’s door had been left half opened and that his bedroom light was still on.

Her brother looked like he had just surrendered to the inevitable and was collapsed against his desk, his arms holding down the papers spread on the table while he snored away lightly. Kotoko found herself a little annoyed that her theory of Reiji having conquered the need for sleep had been thoroughly disproved with the hard evidence right in front of her. Sighing, she pulled the blanket off the bed and draped it over his shoulders.

She had been about to reach for the light switch and leave when two paper files pinned under one of Reiji’s arms caught her eye. Both files had a note stuck to their covers with the same thing written on it: the date of their parents’ deaths nine years ago.

Kotoko gently, steadily tugged the files out from under Reiji’s arm in increments until they were free. Opening the first file with the initials ‘I.Y.” scrawled on it, she found herself looking at a simple fact sheet of someone named Ito Yuki, complete with what looked like a driver’s license photograph of the man.

She had just cracked opened the second file titled ‘S.S’ when both folders were abruptly plucked from her hands. Reiji looked up at her, one hand rubbing his eyes, the other casually pressing the folders he had taken from her on to the table and anchoring them with an elbow.

“Don’t you know that bad little kittens get killed by curiosity?” he yawned, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “What time is it now? Didn’t realise I was that pooped.”

“It’s three-thirty in the morning,” replied Kotoko. “And I know that satisfaction brings them back. Who are S.S. and I.Y.? Do they have something to do with Mum and Dad?”

“Three-thirty?” Reiji squinted at his watch and ran a hand down his face wearily. “Too late for bed, too early for breakfast.” He looked up at her, the bags under his eyes making Kotoko frown in concern. “But not for you. It’s back to bed for you, my girl. What are you doing up anyway? Can’t sleep?”

“I was thirsty and got up to get some water. Hey Reiji, answer me. Who are those people?”

The blanket slid off his shoulders as he stood up stiffly. “Can’t believe I fell asleep like that,” he grumbled, “Getting old is terrible. You’re going to have to start looking for a retirement home for your big brother soon, Kotoko.” He turned his sister around by the shoulders and started gently pushing her out of the room.

“You’re not getting old, you’re overworking yourself,” Kotoko snapped, peeved at how he was avoiding answering her questions. “You’re wearing yourself too thin, trying to do everything for everyone. Like those files!” She tried to turn back to face him, but he had a firm grip on her shoulders and just continued nudging her onwards.

“Eyes front,” he said firmly. “Those were just some old files I brought back to go through for the archives. We’re running out of space and Ranran’s been threatening to build a bonfire to burn everything if we don’t do something about it.”

“But the date--”

“Just a coincidence.” His voice dropped. “It’s not like our family was the only one to lose someone on that day. Besides,” he leaned over to open the door of her room for her. “The police back then already said it was an accident. In you go.”

Kotoko spun around and glared back up at Reiji, her gaze fierce.

“You don’t believe that at all,” she said. “I know you don’t. You said that it wasn’t an accident at the funeral. I remember, Reiji; I remember everything.” Her hands were balled into fists, holding on to his sleeves. “I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to.”

“Oh. That’s right.” His eyes softened and he bent to bump his forehead against hers. “You really can’t forget, can you? My little camera girl.” He sighed. “That was probably just me being unable to accept reality at that time. You shouldn’t think too much about it.”

“But--” Kotoko protested.

“No buts. Back to bed with you. Want me to sing you a lullaby?”

“I’m not a kid anymore.” She let go of him slowly. “I can believe what you said, right? It really was an accident?”

Reiji smiled bitterly. “Mhm. Nothing we can do about it. When have I ever lied to you?” He reached out to pat her on the head and gently nudged her into the room. “Be good. Go back to sleep.”

“You too, Reiji. On the bed this time, please.”

“I will if you’ll come and tuck me in.”

She made a face at him and closed the door. Reiji continued standing in front of her door for a while, his hands absently straightening out his sleeves. He finally turned, a phrase mumbled under his breath with a wistful look.

“Well, ignorance is bliss after all.”


	4. Chapter 4

Reiji watched the thin streams of smoke drift serenely from the incense sticks in front of the family grave. The light grey stone gleamed wetly in the afternoon light, a year's’ worth of dirt and grime freshly scrubbed off it.

Kotoko was standing next to him, her hands pressed together, head bowed in either prayer or silent conversation with their parents. Reiji didn’t plan on asking what she was telling them that he wasn’t allowed to hear; everyone had their secrets, especially on this day.

By right he should be adopting the same posture as well, but Reiji didn’t really feel like it at the moment. The annual visit to the Minazuki family grave on this day was more of a reluctant formality than anything else to him, a reminder that yet another year had passed, that time was merciless in moving on despite what had happened. Somberness settled gently like a too-heavy cloak both inside and outside of him, making him feel that if he closed his eyes now he would never open them again.

A breeze blew, rustling the chrysanthemums they had placed in front of the grave. Neither of his parents had had a favourite flower, so it had been just another part of the ritual, another offering that would never be received by the intended. Reiji felt his legs grow heavy. He imagined that he could feel invisible roots rising from the paved stones under his feet and twining around his legs, rooting him permanently to this place. He was more than happy to let them, to spend the rest of his years another statue in this graveyard, buried in ashes and the memories of what he had initially thought to be ordinary but was now to him the happiest eighteen years of his life.

A tug on his sleeve brought him back to reality. Still deep in the mood that came over him especially heavily every year on this day, Reiji resisted the urge to lay his head on Kotoko’s shoulder and settled for reaching for her hand instead.  

“Time sure goes by fast, doesn’t it,” he said softly. “Look at us, all grown up now.”

“Nine years is a long time,” she agreed, giving his fingers a quick squeeze in return. “Long enough for a lot of things to change.”

Reiji’s gaze was distant as he stared at the letters engraved on the block of stone in front of him. “Change, huh. Not all change is good though. I wish that…” he mumbled, his hand growing cold in Kotoko’s. “If only… If only I had...”

Kotoko waited patiently, her hand firmly holding onto her brother’s, an anchor for him to return to as he struggled desperately with the thoughts and feelings swirling around inside him, rapidly sucking him in.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she said. “You couldn’t have known. None of us could have known that would happen.” He said the same thing every year, and every year she would answer him in the same way.

Not all rituals were good ones.

Reiji reached up and covered his eyes with his free hand, head lowered as if to hide his face from the world. Kotoko watched his shoulders shake, his grip on her hand tightening until she could almost hear her bones creak in protest.

Finally, as if jolted back to the present, he took a deep breath and exhaled. His hand left his face and he turned to Kotoko.

“I wonder what Mum and Dad would say if they could see us now,” His smile was lopsided and still a little teary.

“Probably the same thing that I told you the other day,” she replied. “They’d scold you for neglecting your health and working too hard. Dad would probably wait for you outside your workplace every day just to make a point.”

“He would, wouldn’t he,” Reiji laughed wryly. “Probably catch hold of Ranran and have a talk with him. Ranran would never let me hear the end of it. I’d never live it down.” He breathed out another long sigh. “So many what ifs.” He looked down at their joined hands and smiled. “This is nice. Let’s go home like this.”

“You’re not going to work today?” she asked hopefully.

“I am,” he replied, swinging her hand with his as they walked out of the cemetery. “But I’ll send you home first.” He caught the look she gave him. “I’m just going to pop in for a bit. I’ll be back in time to prepare dinner, I promise! I’ve already bought everything for Mom and Dad’s favourite dishes, so I won’t be late.”

Kotoko simply gave him another sceptical look and said nothing.

***

The last rays of the sun before evening settled in reflected off the hood of the car cruising along the forested road. It gradually went off the road, swerving gently into a hidden path between the bushes which was just wide enough to admit it.

It continued steadily along the uneven path, the tall, dark trees of the forest completely overshadowing the small car as it drove along. The car drove for a long time before it finally entered a large clearing and came to a stop some distance away from the lone building in the middle of it. The door of the car popped open and the driver alighted. Swinging the door closed again, the person walked towards the abandoned warehouse, hands deep in their pockets as they did.

***

Inside the old warehouse, there was a huge room with a metal platform in the middle of it. The sound of the door to the room opening made the shivering man strapped spread-eagled to the platform look up. Someone strolled into the room, his steps bringing him in front of the man before stopping.

“Hello, Takahashi Yuuto.” smiled Reiji. “It’s nice to finally meet you properly. Sorry about yesterday, hope your head doesn’t hurt too much. I tried my best to hit you just hard enough to bring you here. Are you comfortable?” He glanced at his watch and made a disappointed sound. “I have a dinner appointment to keep, so I can’t stay and chat. But not to worry, we’ll have plenty of time to talk in the future. But just to start things off...”

He leaned forward, just enough to hear the man before him whimper.

“Let’s talk about the murder of the Minazukis, nine years ago today.”


	5. Chapter 5

The delighted cries of his colleagues in the department told Ranmaru all he needed to know about who had just come in. It was a while before the noise gradually stopped and a heavy paper bag was plopped on to his desk. 

“Good work,” he said gruffly, his eyes not leaving the contents of the file in his hands. 

“You’re so cold, Ranran! Colder than the snow in Sapporo! I return from distant lands and I don’t even get a ‘welcome back’? How about a hug then?”

“I think you should have gotten your fill of that by now from your fanclub.” Ranmaru replied dryly. He made a mark on the report he was reading and finally looked up. Ignoring Reiji’s outstretched arms and the expectant look on his face, he indicated his left cheek. Puzzled, Reiji swiped at his own cheek and grinned sheepishly when his fingers came back smudged with red.

“Seems like my girls got a little too excited over seeing me in the flesh again after so long. It’s not my fault if my boss sends me flying all over the country and they’re deprived of me because of that. Or could it be,” Reiji covered his mouth at the sudden realisation. “You’re jealous? Is that it? Aww, Ranran, you don’t need to do that, you know you’ll always be number one in my heart when it comes to the work!”

Ranmaru pointedly continued to ignore him as he started rummaging through the bag Reiji had left on his table. 

“I got you beef jerky, curry, cat-shaped rice crackers… Oh, that’s craft beer from Nagoya. I thought you might like it.”

Ranmaru stared first at the bottle he had just pulled out from the bag and then at Reiji.

“I sent you to Saitama, the hell were you doing in Nagoya?”

“The family moved and we didn’t know,” Reiji protested. “I had to follow them, didn’t I? Do you know how hard it was to get their new address? I spent so much time hunting down people who used to know them that I’m pretty sure I’ve talked to practically everyone in Saitama by now.”

“Eh, it’s what you’re good at anyway,” said Ranmaru, sliding the bag under his desk. “Thanks for the grub. Good job hunting the family down. Don’t forget the report.”

Reiji threw himself across one of the stacks of papers on his desk and sobbed. 

“Have mercy, Ranran! I just got off the plane! I barely had time to go home and change! I didn’t even manage to catch hold of Kotoko before she left for school! At this rate she’s going to forget that she has a brother!”

“Good for her then.”

“So cruel! There’s no way that will happen, but in the million to one chance that it does you’re going to have to take responsibility for me.”

“No thanks,” Ranmaru propped his chin up with one hand and regarded his colleague, who had resorted to giving him puppy-dog eyes. “Oi, quit it. That only works on your fans, not me.“

“I’ve been abandoned!” Reiji wailed to no one in particular. “Ranran, in the event that I die of neglect I’m leaving all of my worldly possessions to you, including everything on my desk. In exchange, please take care of Kotoko in my place. But I’ll tell you first, you’re not allowed to touch her even after she comes of age. I’ll come back from the grave to haunt you if you even think about it!”

Ranmaru rolled his eyes at this. “I don’t want either of you,” he stated. “Besides, from what you’ve said before the kid sounds like she’ll be perfectly fine by herself. Heck, I was already living away from home at her age.” He started counting off expertly. “Since she’s already got the house, if she can cook and take care of the place and herself in general then she’s all set. Money shouldn’t be a problem if she’s got a scholarship and the payouts from your insurance and the force. I’ll even drop by every once in a while to check in on her if you want. Help out with anything that needs to be done around the house, stuff like that.”

“Nah, she’s the type who’ll watch a video or read the manual and then fix it herself right after-- That’s not it!” Reiji slapped his hand on the desk in indignation. “I’m not dead yet! Stop preparing my sister for a life without me!”

Ranmaru busied himself with tearing open a packet of the jerky Reiji had brought back and shrugged. “You were getting all ready to die just now, anyway. Thought I’d just let you know.”

“You meanie! I’m going home!”

“What are you, ten? Sit your ass down and get started on that report.”

“Slave-driver! Tyrant! Give me back my last two weeks! And I’m taking back everything I bought!”

“Sure, go ahead. I’m keeping the beer and the meat though.”


	6. Chapter 6

She's eight years old again, her arms aching with the weight of carrying her mother’s black-framed photograph as she cries. Her brother calls her name and she turns towards him.

But it's not her teenage brother standing next to her, the companion frame of their father in his hands; it's an adult Reiji, his voice deeper, his eyes sadder, his hands empty and his wrists lined with silver as the handcuffs bite into his skin. 

Their mother's photo crashes to the ground. Kotoko lifts her hands, her mouth working uselessly. She leans forward, grasping at the air, a teenager herself now, but Reiji shakes his head and suddenly he’s out of her reach. Kotoko realizes through her tears that she's calling out for her brother, but no matter how she runs she can't reach him. 

Her foot catches on something and she stumbles and falls, her knees scraping on the glass shards from the shattered photo of her mother. She pounds once on the ground, then lifts her head. Reiji is standing next to a noose now, gazing at her from a distance. A black figure stands behind him, slipping a cloth bag over his head. The look in Reiji's eyes before the bag covers them for good is enough to tear a raw scream from Kotoko's throat as she desperately lunges forward.

***

Kotoko jolted awake, her breathing short and harsh with terror. Roughly wiping away the sweat and tears in her eyes, she scrambled out of bed and stumbled out of her room. Reaching Reiji’s door, she hammered on it and was greeted with no answer. All reason disappearing in the face of sheer panic, Kotoko wrenched at the doorknob and slammed the door open. Her mind completely blank, she unconsciously sank to her knees and stared at the empty room before her. 

"Kotoko? Are you looking for me? What happened?"

Hearing Reiji's voice from the living room, she instantly scrambled back to her feet. Reiji barely managed to stop himself from tumbling back onto the sofa as Kotoko flung herself at him. 

"Woah woah woah, easy there," He brushed her damp hair out of her eyes, checking her temperature with the back of one hand while the other held her steady by the shoulder. "What’s wrong? You're sweating so much. Are you sick? Where do you feel unwell? It doesn’t feel like a fever... Is it a cold? Hey, say something."

The relief that flooded Kotoko at how warm and solid Reiji was made her weak at the knees. She clung even harder to her brother. 

"You're here, you're here, I'm so glad, you're still here," she blabbered frantically, eyes shut tight as the noose from the dream continued to dangle behind her eyelids. "It wasn’t real, you weren’t taken away, it was just a dream, just a stupid dream."

When Kotoko finally calmed down enough to lift her head from Reiji's chest, she saw through bleary eyes that she had been carried over to the sofa and was now sitting across her brother’s lap. He had one arm firmly across her shoulders, his other hand gently patting her on the back as he murmured softly, his chin resting on top of her hair.

"It's alright, it's alright, my girl. Your brother's here, it's alright."

The panic and desperation from earlier suddenly swept away by pure embarrassment at the position she was currently in, Kotoko pushed him away and slid off him and onto the sofa. She awkwardly scrubbed her face with her sleeve, not daring to look at Reiji.

"Nightmare?" he asked softly. She nodded. "Poor thing. It must have been really bad." Reiji caught the haunted look in Kotoko's eyes before she turned away and nodded again. 

Her gaze fell on the table and the bottle of whiskey and drinking glass next to it. 

"Were you drinking?" She begun to frown, then stopped. "No, it's fine. Sorry to disturb you." She stood up to leave, but stopped and looked back when Reiji caught hold of her wrist. 

"Want to tell me about your dream? You'll sleep better if you talk about it." 

The black figure flashed briefly behind Reiji again, the cloth bag in its hands raised above her brother's head as if to crown him. Kotoko shook her head.

"It's too scary. If I told you you'll be the one with nightmares next."

He grinned. "Then it'll be your turn to comfort me! You'll welcome me with open arms, won't you?"

"I'm locking my door." 

"How cruel!"   

Jokes aside, Reiji tugged gently on Kotoko's wrist. "You're sure you don't want to talk about it?" he asked. "Sounds like it was really serious. You can sleep out here with me if you don't want to be alone."

Kotoko shook her head again. "I'll be fine." She paused and gave Reiji a strange look. "You're sleeping in the living room tonight?"

"Eh? Oh no no, I was doing some work out here for a change of pace. I said that in case you wanted some company."

It was then that Kotoko noticed the papers and files stacked at the other end of the table. 

"That's a lot of work." 

Reiji shrugged. "What else is new? My only consolation is that I’m not the only one who thinks paperwork is going to kill us all one day."

Kotoko remembered staying up for her brother until the small hours when he’d just joined the force. She glanced up at the living room clock.

"It’s really late; you should get to bed yourself."

Following her gaze, Reiji stood up and stretched, wincing slightly as his bones cracked audibly. 

"Your brother's getting old," he lamented. Putting his hands on Kotoko's shoulders, he carefully turned her around and pushed her gently towards her room. "I'll chase away any remaining nightmares from your room then go to bed myself, all right?"

She frowned. "You don't need to do that. I'm not a kid anymore."

Reiji was resolute and continued marching her slowly towards her room. 

"Let me do that much at least. I haven't been feeling much like a big brother towards you these days." He sighed. "What with all of the flying around that I’ve been doing lately and you busy with school, it's like we're always just missing each other. I don't remember the last time I got a good look at you." He raised his hands to her jawline and tilted her face upwards. 

"My neck hurts."

He smiled softly. "It’s nice that you've got Dad's features; you even got his black hair. Good thing we’ve both got Mom’s eyes or else no one would believe that we’re related."

Pulling his hands away from her face, Kotoko stepped into her room, then turned back.

"It's alright," she said abruptly. "Everything's going to be fine. Good night."

"Eh? Wait, don’t you need me to clear out the nightmares--"

A firm 'go to bed please' was the only answer he received from the other side of the door.  


	7. Chapter 7

“Hey Yuuto, look who I’ve brought to see you!”

Reiji energetically unzipped the black body bag on the ground and pulled back enough of the plastic to reveal the face of the person inside. 

“It’s been a while for the two of you, right?” he said cheerfully, parting more of the bag so that the body was exposed up to the waist. “Should I leave you two alone to catch up? Oh, but he can’t talk anymore so there’s not much point, I guess.” He looked up at the bound man in surprise. “What? Don’t tell me you can’t recognise him?”

The man’s cracked lips stammered out a name. 

“That’s right!” Reiji beamed with satisfaction. “It’s Ito Yuki, your old accomplice! You scared me for a minute there, I thought the past three weeks had done something to your memory. He doesn’t look that different, right? I mean, stitches aside but that’s what an autopsy will do to you.” 

Letting the body fall back to the ground, he dusted off his hands and stepped forward. Picking up a plastic bottle of water from the ground, he held it up to the bound man’s mouth and tilted it forward. “You’ll be able to talk a lot more if your throat’s not dry,” he said helpfully, carelessly tossing the empty bottle away when he was done. 

“You killed him?”

Reiji raised a finger to his lips and winked. “That’s a secret. Don’t tell anyone else, okay? My boss will bite my head off if he finds out. Anyway, Ito Yuki here got off pretty lucky; I imagine freezing to death is a lot like hibernation, you just give up and go to sleep until your body shuts down by itself. Sounds pretty peaceful, compared to what you guys did nine years ago.”

“I’ve already said that whatever it is you’re talking about, I didn’t do it!” said Takahashi Yuuto, his voice now lacking the strength of conviction it had much earlier when denying the same thing.

This change didn’t escape Reiji’s notice. He crouched down and gazed at the bloodless body in front of him. 

“They didn’t find him until four days later. I wonder what he was thinking about during those four days, trapped all by himself in the cold,” he mused. “Any ideas, Yuuto? Compared to him you’re actually pretty comfortable, right? Comfortable enough to admit to what you did nine years ago?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“But you do know this guy, right?”

“We were classmates in college. I’ve never seen him again until now,” he replied helplessly. There was defeat in his voice. “I don’t know anything about him after that.”

“You claim not to know a lot of things, don’t you?” remarked Reiji nonchalantly. “I, on the other hand, know that the both of you were often seen together at a certain bar from a long time ago and that you guys certainly didn’t look like college students then. Do you keep a tab with the owner, I wonder? There was another guy too, his name’s just on the tip of my tongue--” He snapped his fingers. “Suzuki Souta?” He slid a look at Yuuto out of the corner of his eye and grinned. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

Yuuto would have been shaking his head if not for the straps restraining his neck and forehead. Reiji tsked him while standing up properly again.

“Seems like it’s pretty hard to be your friend,” he sighed. ”Aren’t you lonely? Your parents have passed away, you’re not married and you don’t have any children so that strikes out the whole family part. And now you say that you have no friends either. No man is an island, you know. Say, what do you do if there’s something you need to get off your chest?”

Reiji’s voice became soft, hypnotising, experienced. “Something like a big, dark, bloody secret that’s been gnawing away at you from the inside; how do you start your day when it keeps you up at night until you surrender and give up on sleep entirely? When it burns in your brain and you can’t stop thinking about it, no matter who you sleep with, no matter how much you drink, no matter how many pills you take; who do you talk to when it gets too much?”

He nudged the body bag closer to the platform with his feet. 

“I’m giving you an outlet to vent to now, Yuuto. After all, dead men tell no tales, right?” His smile was brittle. “You can talk to your old drinking buddy Ito Yuki here. If you wait a while I can even bring Suzuki Souta over as well and the old club will be back together again. How nostalgic for you! You guys can reminisce about what you did to the Minazukis nine years ago and then you can go home to your old life, just like before.”

“I’ve already told you, I don’t know the Minazukis,” Takahashi Yuuto begged. “Please, let me go.”

“Hmm, too much denial can’t be good for your mental health. Anyway, I’ll just leave the two of you alone for a bit. Maybe it’s the shock of seeing him again that’s causing this temporary loss of memory.”

The man struggled frantically against his restraints, his eyes suddenly filled with terror. 

“Wait! You can’t do this, you gotta let me go! I really don’t know anything! This is a crime!”

“Have a nice time catching up! I’ll be back soon!” Reiji waved back airily, the door closing behind him. 

***

Takahashi Yuuto didn’t know how he could have fallen asleep with the dead body of his old classmate right in front of him but he must have, because it was the sound of crinkling plastic that made him open his eyes. Reiji was back, looking like he’d just rolled out of bed himself. 

“Morning,” he chirped, both hands busy with putting the remains of Ito Yuki back into the body bag. “Remember anything?”

Yuuto was ready to weep from exhaustion at this point. He opened his mouth weakly, but nothing came out.

“Guess this wasn’t enough, huh.” Reiji hoisted the body bag over his shoulder. “Too bad for the both of us then. See you later.”

He wanted to tell him to wait, but Reiji simply turned his back on him and walked off. The way he was carrying the body bag made it seem as if it didn’t weigh anything at all. 

Then there was nothing but the dreadful silence again as Yuuto struggled with his conscious and denial.


	8. Chapter 8

“This was taken at the newbies' welcome party last week. Ranran was pretty plastered by then.” 

“No wonder he looks happy for once.”

“Right? He should learn from me and smile more often, he looks so different when he does. More approachable, don’t you think? Maybe he’ll stop scaring off the newbies then. Oh, but despite how he normally looks I’m pretty sure he does have fans across the departments. I guess some people like the whole grumpy, bad guy thing. My fan club is still bigger though!” 

Reiji puffed himself up with pride, fully expecting his sister to ask him the size of his self-proclaimed fanclub.

“Yeah, I guess.”

He deflated at the distracted answer he received. Putting his phone away, he turned himself to face Kotoko properly. 

“Did something happen at school?”

“Not really.” she answered, still looking as if she was thinking about something else. 

“‘Not really’ means that something did happen. Tell me?”

She shook her head. “It’s nothing big. Just a friend’s problem.”

“If it’s bad enough for you to think about even at home then it’s a big problem. If you still won’t talk then you leave me with no choice. I’ll tickle it out of you if I have to!”

He moved forward, both hands raised into claws in the air. Kotoko swatted at him with a cushion and gave in.

“You see, there’s this boy at school--”

Reiji shot up from his seat, his face a picture of pure panic.

“I knew it!” he said dramatically. “I knew this day would come, but I’m not prepared! Anyway, no matter what it is, rejected! Big brother refuses! You’re still too young!”

Kotoko had a pretty good idea what daytime soap opera scenario was playing through Reiji’s head at the moment, so she stoically ignored him and continued.

“He knows something about the embarrassing past of a friend of mine, but he’s refusing to say exactly what he knows. She’s afraid that he’ll use it to blackmail her so she’s trying to get him to say more about it. I’m thinking of how to help her.”

Reiji fell back onto the sofa, the tension draining from his face. 

“Oh, it wasn’t what I thought. That’s a relief.”

“It’s seldom what you think, Reiji.”

“So harsh!” He picked up a cushion and leaned against it. “Have you tried talking to the guy?”

Kotoko nodded. “He’s quite stubborn. I was thinking that since talking normally doesn’t work if there’s anything else we can do to make him talk.”

Reiji hummed in thought. “Ask his friends if they know anything? Or good cop bad cop?” he volunteered. “That’s what we normally do. Ranran’s a pro at being the bad cop by now. I’ve told him that I wouldn’t mind switching once in a while but he always just gives me that look as if he’s going to bite through sheet metal and tells me to get back to work.” He puffed out his cheeks and huffed. “I don’t know why he thinks I won’t be able to pull off being a bad cop. I’m pretty sure I’ll be good at it.”

Kotoko gazed at her brother pummeling the cushion in his lap while pouting.

“I can understand why he’d be worried.”

“Why?! It’s so sad, nobody understands my hidden depths!” Reji was distraught until he remembered something. 

“Oh right, sometimes we guilt them into talking by reminding them of their family or friends waiting for them. Worked only once so far though.” He grinned sheepishly. “There was a high schooler who crashed his motorbike into someone’s car and got into a fight because of it. He was really aggressive when we had him down at the station. We couldn’t get a proper statement out of him for ages. He only calmed down and talked when we told him his mother was waiting to bail him out outside. I remember thinking that he really takes after his mother when I saw her.”

His eyes were distant for a moment, then he blinked and it was as if nothing had happened. 

“Don’t think that’d work in this case though.”

Kotoko simply hummed in acknowledgement.

“Reminding him of his family is something I never thought of. Thanks, Reiji.”

“Always happy to be of help,” said Reiji, visibly swelling up with pride at being useful. “Kotoko?”

She looked up. Reiji leaned back against the sofa, his eyes closed as if he had suddenly decided to take a nap. His tone was strangely serious for once.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t, okay?”

Kotoko was a little slow to reply.

“That doesn’t leave me with a lot of options, Reiji.”

“That’s mean,” he chuckled, his eyes still closed. “I’m serious though. Don’t do things that you’re not used to.” He lifted a hand and pointed to himself casually. “Just leave it all to your capable big brother. I’ll take care of everything for the both of us.”

Kotoko stood up and dusted off her lap. 

“So I guess that means dinner, washing up and taking out the trash is included? I’ll be going out for a bit then.”

Reiji’s eyes shot open. He sat up quickly, tossing aside the cushion in his lap in alarm.

“Wait wait wait, that’s not what I meant-- Where are you going? You’ll be back to set the table at least, right?” he pleaded hopefully. 

“I thought I should just leave everything to my capable big brother? I’ll be back in time for dinner.”

“But it’s my day off!”

“I’ll bring back doughnuts for you.”

“Ooh, it’ll be great if you can get the ones from that place opposite the supermarket, they’re always sold out whenever I go-- Hold it! Come back!”


	9. Chapter 9

Reiji adjusted the new IV bag he had just hooked up so that it was hanging properly from the metal stand next to the platform Yuuto was spread-eagled on. 

“You remember Ito Yuki from the other day?” he said casually. “He got promoted at work a few months after what you guys did nine years ago. He was pretty popular in the office, and life in general sounded like it was smooth sailing for him after that. Until he got locked in a walk-in freezer, that is.”

Reiji shrugged nonchalantly as if it had nothing to do with him.  

“Speaking of life, you know that Suzuki Souta got married about a year after the three of you killed the Minazukis?”

Yuuto could only blink, the haze of exhaustion thick around him. Reiji was pacing in front of him now, long even strides leaving shoe prints on the dusty cement floor. 

“...enough…” he mumbled. Reiji paid no attention to him and continued talking as if he was the only person in the room.

“Sad to say, his wife passed away a few years ago. But she left behind a daughter though, so he still has someone to go home to. Little girl’s cute, looks just like her mother. Lucky man. Funny how life works out for some people but not for others, huh?”

He spun on his heel and stopped slightly at Takahashi Yuuto’s left side. 

“What about you?” he asked blithely, a finger tapping his cheek casually. “Any changes after the murders nine years ago? From what I hear, life goes on as normal for you, am I right? You’re still in the same job, you’re alone and you just saw the body of one of the very few friends that you had.” He nodded solemnly as if sympathizing with him.

“Well, life’s like that; doesn’t treat everyone fairly. If I were you, I’d hurry up and confess so that the number of my friends doesn’t go down any further. Who knows, if you tell Suzuki Souta about the noble thing you did to save his life he might, I don’t know, make you the godfather of his daughter or something in gratitude. Then you’d at least have someone to mourn for you when you finally die. Not by my hands, of course.” 

Yuuto finally managed to work up enough energy to reply.

“Let me go. You’ve got the wrong man. I won’t tell anyone so just let me go already.”

Reiji paused. He took a step closer and suddenly slammed a fist into the platform, right next to Yuuto’s head. The impact echoed jarringly throughout the large room.

“Awake now?” he asked lightly, pulling back his fist and leaning in. “You’ve been sleep talking quite a bit lately. Hey, Yuuto,” Reiji’s eyes were that of a man who was obsessed. “I saw you.” He was so close now that he could almost see himself reflected in Takahashi Yuuto’s shaking eyes. “Nine years ago, before and after the murders. I saw you walk away twice.” He straightened up.

“So don’t tell me that I’ve got the wrong man. Don’t tell me that you didn’t do it.” 

He exhaled, his breath long and tired, years of weariness wrapped in a sigh.

“I just want to know why.” 

The sentence hung in the air between them, an invisible noose waiting for a neck.

***

“You win.” Yuuto managed to speak despite the bruising swelling around his cheeks. “I give up.”

Reiji looked up from rubbing his knuckles. The mild disbelief on his face quickly melted into a relieved smile. He exhaled loudly, a load off his mind.

“Really?” he asked. “You’re finally willing to admit that you did it? You’re not going to cheat my feelings again, right? Because you see,” His hand dipped into his pocket and came back holding a bunch of toothpicks. “I hear that having these hammered under your nails would be painful enough to make anyone agree to anything.” The strangled sob from the abused man in front of him made him chuckle. “I’m joking, don’t worry.” He dropped the toothpicks freely. 

“You promise that you’ll let me go after I’m done though.”

Reiji nodded. He looked as if he was preparing himself for a revelation. 

“Of course. That’s all I ever wanted out of you. Took you long enough to understand that. How long has it been? A month? Two? Anyway,” His gloved hands clasped in front of him, Reiji was now every bit the attentive listener. 

“Please. Begin.”   


	10. Chapter 10

A large potential client had just hung on him the phone on him after threatening him with police action if he ever bothered them again; his boss had personally gone over to his desk to give him the worse dressing down he’d ever received, the reports he’d previously submitted thrown back into his face; as if to round things off, the lift chose to sound the overweight warning just as he managed to squeeze in, forcing him to back out again out of sheer embarrassment. The next lift that comes is just as full as the previous one so he gives up and takes the stairs instead.

The pavement is slick after the rain, and he nearly slips when stepping out from the bar he had been drowning the day’s sorrows in after work. Halfway trudging home, he finds himself leaning drunkenly against a convenient lamp post and thinking about the cold, empty house he’s heading back to.

His briefcase falls to the ground, its contents spilling out. He kneels down unsteadily, his hand landing on an elaborately embossed envelope. He remembers the bashful look on his much younger colleague’s face as he handed the wedding invitation to him. His fingers close around the envelope. Crushing it savagely, he throws it away as hard as he can and leans down, panting, his hands on his thighs for support.

Laughter rings out in the night. His head jerks up sharply. Across the street a little girl leaps into a puddle and giggles again as her parents chuckle. A man to whom the girl bears a striking resemblance to opens up the umbrella he’s holding and pretends to shield both himself and his wife from the small splashes. The girl lifts a foot, preparing to send another wave towards her parents when an older boy sweeps in from behind and catches her around the waist. He wags a finger in her face in mock admonishment as she squeals in delight, her arms thrown around his neck for a cuddle. The boy’s voice is loud enough for him to hear from across the empty road.

“Don’t you know that the sea witch will come and take away naughty little girls who jump into too many puddles?” She leans back and stares at him, her mouth an ‘o’ of surprise. “She rises from a puddle and takes them away to her cave deep, deep down into the ocean and forces them to eat raw fish everyday for the rest of their lives.”

The little girl makes a face. “Don’t like fish,” she declares.

The boy continues dramatically. “Raw fish, still flopping around like this,” his free hand wriggling in front of her face, making her lean back. “They continue swimming around in your tummy even after you’ve eaten them.” She laughs as he tickles her stomach. “And when the witch thinks that you’re fat enough to eat she’ll open her big, big mouth and swallow you up--”

Their father suddenly pounces on the girl’s shoulders from behind with a loud “GAO”, making her jump and shriek loudly. Both parents and son burst out into laughter as the little girl pushes away the boy and starts crying for her mother. The boy tries to cajole his sister into looking at him again but she ignores him and wraps her arms around her mother’s legs and sulks. Their mother is still laughing as she bends down to comfort her daughter.

There’s a growing sense of anger in his heart as he watches the family across the road. His eyes are fixed on the father of the group who is saying something to his teenage son.

_I want that / Why isn’t that me / Why does he have what I don’t / It’s not fair_

He thinks of his boss and colleagues looking down at him, malicious whispers behind their hands.

He’s looking at the mother of the group petting her daughter on the head, her eyes creased with a smile. He thinks of the numerous failed marriage interviews he’s attended, of the looks of disgust the office ladies in his office throw at him whenever he passes by.

_She looks too young to be with him / Don’t look down on me / Don’t look at me with those eyes_

The little girl finally lets go of her mother. Both her parents take one of her hands and swings her between them as they walk, their son carefully walking backwards in front of them, still laughing at something that his father is saying.

Something swells up inside him as he follows the happy group with his eyes. His thoughts pound in his head, so loud that he can practically see the words scrolling in front of his eyes.

_They’re too happy / How can they have everything that I don’t / I worked hard too_

_It’s not fair / It’s not fair / It’s not fair_

Without realising it, he’s tailing them from across the road. His practical mind makes sure that he keeps to the shadows, maintaining a distance from them so that it’s not obvious that he’s following them. His primal mind is repeating the same thought over and over again.

_It’s not fair / It’s not fair / It’s not fair_

The house that the family enters looks like it came straight from a primetime family drama. He watches them enter the house, the son being the last to go in. He finds himself staring at the lighted windows of the house, at the pale car parked inside the small garage attached, at the warmth that he can practically feel from the wholesome scene before him.

His thoughts change.

_It’s not fair / It’s not fair / It’s not fair_

_They’re too happy / It’s not fair_

_They should disappear._

He lets out a gasp as the epiphany hit him. The boy stops just short of entering the house and turns around abruptly. He quickly spins on his heel and walks away, hunching up inside his coat in an effort to conceal his face from the teenager looking across the road at him. His hands reach up towards his face, his fingers feeling the insane grin stretching across his cheeks.  

_That’s right._

_That’s the only way things will be fair again._

_They should just disappear._

His purpose born that night, he finds that things moved swiftly after that. Yuki and Souta, old classmates of his from college that he happened to meet at bars and while pounding the streets for clients, were in similar states of their lives: worn down by work, alone and bitter at how their lives had turned out. He retraces his steps back to where the family lives and starts gathering information on them. He eavesdrops on their neighbours, each of the trio taking turns to stalk each member of the family to find out the patterns their daily lives take. They research and follow and plan.

Out of some twisted sense of justice, they agree that the two children should be left alone, and pat themselves on the back for how noble they are for sparing the innocent. He promises that if they manage to pull this off as flawlessly as he imagines, the other two could take turns choosing their next targets.

The plan takes place at night. The couple leave the house, waving goodbye to their children as they go for their monthly date night. Their car cruises on to the highway, unaware of the small tow truck following behind.

The truck starts closing in when they reach a deserted part of the highway and corners the grey car into a tunnel. The three of them force the couple out of their car. The husband and wife, thinking that it’s a robbery, offer them whatever money they have on them.

He remembers the impact when he sends the man stumbling into a wall with a kick. He remembers every slap and punch and shove that he and the other two rain down on him, cursing and shouting every injustice that they have suffered. He can still hear the woman screaming as she tries to pull him off her husband, and he turns on her instead. He sees the sneering faces of all the women who had ever rejected him on hers and starts off with a slap. His hands close around her throat, but before he can tighten his fingers her husband somehow manages to stand up and throws himself over his wife, curling his own bruised body around her in protection. The sudden hatred and resentment surging up inside him at this act make him unable to remember what happens next.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but he finds himself panting with exertion and light-headed from the adrenaline. He wipes the blood off his shoes and sees the other two getting in their last few blows on the two unmoving bodies. They load them back into their car, hook it up to the tow truck and drive back to the main road.

The satisfaction he feels when they send the car rolling down from the broken guard rail fills him from head to toe. The rail was broken from an accident earlier in the year, making this road known to be accident-prone. The truck takes the looping road down into the forest that the drop ends in.

He stands back as Souta does what he needs to do to the crumpled car, then runs back to them, urging them to stand further away. Ten seconds later all three of them turn and crouch to avoid the blast of the explosion.

He’s mesmerized by the flames licking the skeleton of the car. The scene is burned into his eyes, the seductive feeling of a plan brought to fruition making him want to throw his arms up and shout in victory. But it’s a quiet forest and he just barely restrains himself. The firelight reflects off the sweaty faces of Yuki and Souta, both of them with similar expressions on their faces.

They have drinks at their usual bar afterwards. The tow truck has been cleaned and abandoned in a rural scrap yard, every article of clothing on them changed and burned. They save the whooping, the laughter and victorious back slaps for later when they move the venue to Sato’s place.

The accident makes the news the next day and the papers the day after.

Two weeks later he’s standing across the road again, watching the funeral procession go by.

***

“If I had known that one of you would grow up to do this to me, we wouldn’t have been so soft-hearted and spared you.” He spat out a mouthful of blood which landed just short of Reiji’s shoes.

“We should have just killed both of you back then as well.”

Gloved hands grasped Yuuto’s face, his fingers digging into his skin. No longer cheerful, each word from Reiji’s lips was rasped, harsh, and torn brutally from the soul of a man who has just been broken.

“ _Then why didn’t you._ ”


	11. Chapter 11

“Kotoko? Sorry, I won’t be able to make it home tonight. Yeah, something came up at work. There’s been an update on an old case and everyone’s been mobilised, so I’ll have lots and lots of company for once. Mhm, I’ll be careful. I’ll hide behind Ranran if anything dangerous goes down. He’ll probably just kick me to the back of the group anyway. Have you eaten dinner? Make sure you lock up properly before you go to bed. I’ll be back before breakfast tomorrow. Sorry, I really can’t come home tonight. Well, you sounded worried. Don’t worry, don’t worry, everything will be fine. Go to sleep now, okay? Good girl. Good night.”

Reiji tossed the phone on to the car’s dashboard. Kotoko’s phone number faded away, revealing multiple web pages with the results from the search for ‘ _quick suicide_ ’ on the screen. He stared listlessly at the search results on his phone, his fingers tapping a slow beat on the steering wheel. The streaks and patches of dried blood on his gloves stood out sharply against the black of the wheel. His gaze flickered up to the rear-view mirror of the car.

Reiji stared at the reflection of his eyes, his fingers gradually stilling.

His father's car had been old, grey and just the right size for a family of four. On the weekends and sometimes on his days off, he would give his young son brief driving lessons.

“A man should, at the very least, know how to drive.” he would say, then give Reiji a cheeky grin, one of the few things which father and son had in common. “Then you can safely inherit the important task of ferrying your mother and sister around when you’re a little older.”

Reiji would sit shotgun and listen to his father methodically point out the various parts of the car in front of them, starting from the different modes on the gear lever, followed by the handbrake and so on. He would always end with a demonstration on how to adjust the rear view mirror, his fingers always brushing the silk scarf tied around the stem.

“Did I ever tell you that this scarf was my very first present to your mother when we started dating?”

“Cos you bought her coffee but accidentally spilled it on her and had to get something to cover up the stain. I think you’ve said it about a hundred times by now.”

His father would laugh and reach over to ruffle his hair.

“This makes it the hundredth and one time then.”

Reiji’s car was of a foreign make, green and quite a bit smaller than the one in his memories. Maybe it was because he’s a lot bigger now but the seats seemed narrower to him. A tiny pair of maracas, a souvenir from a colleague, dangled from the stem of the rear view mirror. He slowly lifted a hand towards the mirror, then stopped.

Crossing his arms to hug himself, Reiji gradually hunched over until his forehead bumped against the steering wheel.

“It hurts,” he whispered. He mindlessly repeated that sentence until his whispers turned into sobs.

“It hurts, it hurts, it hurts… Why? Why does it hurt so much-- Mom? Dad?”

Reiji was convinced that he had gone blind, his eyes burning as heavy tears slid down his face. His voice cracked, the world narrowing down to him and the deep dark blackness that was swelling up and swallowing him whole. He was drowning, flailing, dying.

“Why aren’t you here anymore... What have I been doing? What do I do now? It hurts, it really hurts, why does everything hurt so much…”  


	12. Chapter 12

Kotoko stared up at the intimidating grey and brown building, still in two minds on whether she dared to enter. The words “Metropolitan Police Department, Public Security Bureau” looked as if they were stamped into the arch above the entrance. Taking out her mobile phone from her coat pocket, she pressed the redial button and was about to bring the phone up to her ear when a man exited the building and caught her eye. 

Putting her phone away again, she hurried towards him.

“Excuse me,” she started. He stopped and looked at her warily. “Are you Ranran?”

Ranmaru nearly choked. “The fuck--” 

“I’m sorry to be rude but do you know Minazuki Reiji?” Kotoko’s words were rushed, her hands gripping the front of her coat nervously. “He’s supposed to be your colleague? Please excuse me if I’m mistaken.”

Ranmaru put a hand over his eyes and sighed. Of course it had to be about Reiji. 

“Yeah, I know him,” he grumbled. “If you’re looking for him he’s not in yet.” He eyed the girl before him. “Aren’t you a little too young to be one of his girlfriends? You look like you should be in school right now.”

It was then that he noticed that she was staring at him, her eyes wide and panicking. 

“Oi, what’s wrong?”

“He said he had to stay overnight at work,” she managed to stammer out. “That’s why he couldn’t come home last night. He told me that he would be back before breakfast, but I waited the whole morning and he still isn’t back yet.” Kotoko turned desperate eyes towards Ranmaru. “I thought he would be here, but now that you say he isn’t-- Would you have any idea where my brother is right now?”

“Your bro--Oh. You must be…er...” He pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to remember.

“Yes, I’m Minazuki Kotoko. Please excuse me for the late introduction, Ranran.”

He gritted his teeth at the nickname. “First off, it’s Ranmaru. Second, the last time I saw Reiji was last night and he was chatting up a storm with the cafeteria lady. I haven’t seen him since then and I’ve been here since seven this morning.” He patted his pockets, looking for something. “Not sure if I brought my phone out, I’ll give the bastard a call--”

Kotoko shook her head in defeat. “I tried that. It won’t connect.” She felt like it was getting harder to breathe and tried her best not to sob. “I don’t know where else to go to look for him anymore.”

Ranmaru swore under his breath. 

“Let’s get you home first; then I’ll find your brother and give him hell for ditching work and going missing on both of us.” 

It was a quiet ride, the nervous silence only broken by Kotoko’s directions to her address. Ranmaru could see out of the corner of his eye that her hands gripping and twisting the seat belt across her chest in agitation.

“Don’t think too much into it,” he said gruffly. “He probably found a lead on a case and lost track of time following it.” Even he knew that it was a lame excuse, but it was better than the awkward lack of sound between them. “How did you recognise me anyway?”

“Reiji sometimes shows me photos of the two of you together,” replied Kotoko. “You always look reluctant to be in them.”

Ranmaru snorted. “That’s cos with him it’s always an ambush, plus he doesn’t understand the concept of personal space.” He noticed the small smile on her face. “Your brother talks about you a lot too,” he said casually, smirking at the strangled noise that was made in answer to this remark. “He’s convinced that you’re going to join a gang, turn into a delinquent and run away from home when you go to college. When that happens, do us all a favour and don’t get arrested anywhere around here, yeah? I’ve got enough paperwork on my desk already without you adding on to it and that guy soaking it all with his tears.”

He counted it as a small victory when he heard her chuckle.

“I’ll make sure to go far away if there’s any chance of me being caught.”

“Yeah, you do that.” 

Pulling up outside the house she had pointed out, Ranmaru got out and regarded the place before him. It looked exactly like the sort of house his own family would have lived in if he and Reiji had been neighbours as kids. 

His gaze wandered to the driveway and stopped. He sucked in a breath and was about to say something to Kotoko when she blew past him, her eyes fixed on the familiar green car parked in the small garage as well. The door of the house opened before she reached it. 

“Ranran?” Reiji was bewildered. “What are you do--” His question was cut off by Kotoko tackling him from the side and temporarily knocking the breath out of him. “Kotoko?” His confusion only grew.  “Aren’t you supposed to be at school? What happened? Why are the two of you together?” 

“We should be the ones asking you that, you ass,” growled Ranmaru, his relief at seeing Reiji unharmed rapidly melted away by pure exasperation. “Where the fuck have you been?” He walked up to them and took in the impressive dark circles under Reiji’s eyes. “You look like shit. What the hell happened to you?”

“Er, I kind of got caught up in something and the next thing I knew it was morning.” Reiji rubbed his eyes and looked down sheepishly at Kotoko as her arms tightened around him. “Sorry for making you worry. Forgive me?” She shook her head furiously, her face still pressed flush against his shirt. “Mhm, thought so. I’m in trouble now, aren’t I?”

“Ya think? And you couldn’t have called either?” Ranmaru demanded. “Why’s your phone switched off?”

“The battery ran out. I still don’t understand how the two of you came to be together though.”

“The kid got worried when you didn’t come home and came over to the station to look for you.” Stepping up, he jabbed Reiji sharply on the forehead with a finger. “I’m going to take it that you took today off, but tomorrow you better be in good and early and have a damn good reason for last night. Fucking hell Reiji, you should know better. You can’t just do things like that and not tell anyone.” He did a quick nod down at Kotoko. “Especially when you’ve got someone waiting for you.”

“I know.” Reiji’s voice was quiet as he patted his sister on the back. “Thanks, Ranran.”

“Thanks my ass. You pull this sort of shit again and I’m cuffing you to your desk. At least someone will know where you are then.” He gave Reiji one last poke to the forehead and looked down. “Hey, you. Make sure you keep an eye on your brother, okay?”

Kotoko nodded, still not letting go of Reiji. “You said you were going to give him hell,” she sniffed, her voice muffled by Reiji’s shirt. He barked out a short laugh. “I’m saving that for tomorrow. Make him wait for it.” He lifted his eyes back to Reiji’s. “You. On the dot.”

“Yessir,” He stood sharply to attention before relaxing again. “Thanks again, Ranran.” 

He waved after Ranmaru’s car until it was out of sight then led Kotoko into the house, Reiji still apologising. 


	13. Chapter 13

Despite the presence of the two men, the inside of the car was unusually quiet. Ranmaru glanced at his partner beside him out of the corner of his eyes. Reiji was staring listlessly out of the window, his chin propped up in the palm of his hand. Not for the first time since he had returned from going missing for a night, Ranmaru had no idea what was going on in Reiji’s mind. 

Reiji kept up his usual prattle whenever there were others around, but it was during rare times like this, when it was just the two of them and he didn’t fill up the air with chatter, that made Ranmaru feel that despite all the talking Reiji normally did, he wasn’t sure if he knew the man sitting next to him at all. 

Reiji came out of his thoughts when the car made an unexpected turn. 

“Ranran?” he asked hesitantly. “This isn’t the way back to the station.”

“Just making a quick stop.” 

Parking next to a pavement, Ranmaru shot Reiji a quick command to stay in the car and got out. Reiji watched him cross the road and enter a convenience store. He settled back in his seat, his head lolling against the headrest. He felt like he had barely closed his eyes when the car door opened and something hot was tossed into his lap.

Ranmaru slammed the door closed after him while Reji frantically snatched up and juggled the paper bags that had just been thrown at him to keep them from scorching his thighs.

“Eat up,” he said, tearing open his own bag and taking in the huge chicken drumstick that was exposed. Finally getting a proper hold on them, Reiji unrolled the top of the first bag. The smell of fried chicken filled the car. 

“Weren’t you just saying the other day that I had to go on a diet?” Reiji joked weakly. The second bag held doughnuts, sticky with glaze and sweet to both the eyes and nose. Ranmaru swallowed his mouthful of chicken and dug through the plastic bag for a napkin.

“I’d rather have you fat than moping around with that false act you’ve been keeping up with lately. Gotta be tiring after a while.” He slotted two bottles of green tea into the gap between their seats. 

“What are you talking about, Ranran-”

“You don’t honestly think I believe that bullshit you came up with for going missing the other day, do you?” He tore the last piece of meat from the bone with his teeth, tucking the bone back neatly into the bag for disposal. “I didn’t get to where I am today by being stupid, Reiji. And neither did you, so quit it with the acting.” 

Another paper bag was pulled out, this one with meat skewers. “I don’t know what happened to you that day, but I’m guessing it probably has nothing to do with work despite what you told me and the kid.” He took a bite of his skewer and made a noise of appreciation. “It’s not my style to poke my nose into the personal business of others so I’m not going to ask what really happened that night. But given the years we’ve been working together and how I’m still probably going to be stuck with you for a long time to come, I figured I have to at least say something.”

Finishing off the last of the skewers, Ranmaru cracked open his bottle of tea and took a swing. He picked up Reiji’s bottle and held it out to him. 

“You know that if you ever want to talk-and I mean really talk-I’ll listen, yeah? I can do that much for you, at least.”

Reiji looked lost as he stared at the bottle being offered to him. Slowly, he took it, curling it to his chest together with the two paper bags. It was a while before he spoke.

“Thanks, Ranran.”

Ranmaru grunted in acknowledgement. Pulling his seatbelt across, he clicked it home and started up the car.

“Better get started on those,” he advised. “We’re taking the stairs when we get back.”

“Eh? Why?!”

He grinned sharply. “If you can’t diet, then you gotta exercise.”

“But you just said-” Reiji protested, his hand already deep in the bag of fried chicken pieces.

“Shut up and eat.”


	14. Chapter 14

Looking back, Kotoko was ashamed of herself for how she had chosen to ignore the signs that something was wrong with Reiji. She could have used the fact that she had been too young, still struggling to cope with the sudden death of their parents herself, but now that she was older she saw how she had clung to Reiji almost mercilessly in the past, depending on him for everything, never giving a thought for how he himself was just as lost as she was. 

Even now, she realised that she had never really moved on from being the clingy eight-year-old who followed Reiji everywhere he went. 

It was only nearing the end of middle school that she noticed that Reiji wasn’t doing any better off from her. She would find him awake at odd hours of the night, poring over old newspapers. Or he would return home late, sometimes with cuts and bruises, sometimes in clothes that were too rumpled for a normal day’s work , smelling of alcohol and perfume, always with a strangely disappointed look on his face which would immediately morph into the same smile she was used to as he chided her for waiting up for him when he had already told her not to.

She hadn’t done anything back then, hadn’t realised that something needed to be done. She had been too self-centered, too dependent on him to always be there for her to notice anything wrong outside of herself. 

She hadn’t wanted to believe that her infallible big brother whom her small world revolved around could fall. 

But she was older now, almost the same age as her brother had been when their parents died. And the signs that Reiji was indeed falling were beginning to be too obvious for her to ignore. There was no way she could cover her eyes and look away anymore.

It started when she had been awakened by the sound of furniture moving at two in the morning. She had gone out to see Reiji industriously pushing the living room sofa around the hall with the claim that he had to burn off some of the day’s energy. The next time she went out to check on him had been two hours later, and he was mopping the floor. She was beginning to suspect that her brother had never slept at all when she came out, ready to go to school, and he was preparing breakfast.

After that, she begun to keep count of the number of times she had gotten up in the middle of the night for something and Reiji was never in his bedroom anymore. Instead, he would always be in the living room; sometimes the television would be on, the sound muted, but the blank gaze on his face told her that he wasn’t watching it at all; other times an empty bottle of whisky on the table accompanied by a full glass and Reiji sitting on the floor, his chin propped up on the edge of the table and again, him not really being there at all. The whisky was replaced by beer sometimes, but the glassy gaze on Reiji’s face never changed at all.

The count got higher and higher, and Kotoko couldn’t hide anymore from the fact that, ever since that night when he had gone missing, she had never seen Reiji sleeping at all. 

Things came to a head when she came out to get a drink and Reiji was stretched out on the sofa, staring blankly at the ceiling. One look at the living room table had her going over and pushing his legs aside to perch next to him. She pointed at the glass of whiskey and the smaller bottle of pills within arm’s reach.

“You’re not supposed to be taking those together.”

Reiji blinked. “Hey, Kotoko.” He slid a glance over to where she was pointing and covered his eyes with one hand. “Yeah, but they’re the only things that work now. If it makes you feel better, I don’t take them together that often.”

Kotoko bit her lip, both hands clenched into fists on her lap. “I knew that you were having trouble sleeping, but this is getting too much. When was the last time you actually slept? You should go and see a doctor about this.”

Reiji waved his free hand in dismissal of the idea. “It’s fine. I’m just working through some stuff. I didn’t really need to sleep that much to begin with anyway. I’ll be alright.”

“No you’re not.” Reiji lifted his hand from his eyes. His sister turned to look at him, her eyes filled with worry. “What really happened that night, Reiji? You’ve been behaving strangely ever since you came back.” Her voice lowered to a whisper. “It’s like you’re someone else now.”

Reiji pushed himself up by the elbows to sit up a little. “I already told you--”

“I want the real story, Reiji. If there’s anything I can do to help-”

“There’s nothing you can do.” Reiji cut her off abruptly. He ran a weary hand down his face. “I can’t do anything about it if you don’t want to believe me, but it’s not something you should be knowing about anyway. Just leave me alone for now.”

“What are you hiding it from me, Reiji?” Kotoko took one of his hands into her own. Now that she had a good look at him, she could see how terrible he really looked: the blue-black coloring under his eyes that looked like bruising; the redness of his eyes and the hollows in his face where his cheeks had sunken in. He looked as if he was going to collapse and never get up again. “It must be something serious to make you behave like this.”

“As if you’re one to talk about hiding something.” Reiji, irritated by her persistent questions, spat back callously without thinking. 

Kotoko gaped at him, her anger at both herself for not saying anything earlier and at Reiji for hiding things from her suddenly washed away by shock. 

“What… What are you talking about? When have I hidden anything from you?”

He waved her off, rubbing his eyes. “It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.” He took a deep breath.

“You can’t fix me, Kotoko.” He looked down at her hands holding his and gently pulled his hand out of her grasp. “I’m not one of your friends with love problems. You can’t fix me like you do with your friends, or the television or the vacuum cleaner. This is my problem to solve. If you really want to help me, then you’ll leave me alone.”

“But you’ll die!” she burst out, childish emotions overthrowing adult logic. Her arms shot out and grabbed Reiji by the front of his shirt, her face close enough to smell the alcohol on his breath. “I’m afraid that if I leave you alone, you’ll go somewhere and never come back, just like Mum and Dad.” Her voice was shaking as she stared up at him desperately. “I don’t want you to die, Reiji.” she said, her words on the verge of a sob. “Please don’t die.”

Reiji looked back down at his sister, his brow furrowed as if there was a myriad of emotions going through him and he was having a difficult time sorting them out. He settled for putting his arms around her, one hand patting her on the back in consolation. 

“My silly little girl,” he said softly, wearily. “I’m not going to die. That wouldn’t be fair to you. Your brother’s just a little tired right now, that’s all. It’s nothing to get so upset about.” He pushed her back slightly so that he could see her face. “I’m here for as long as I can be, so please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying,” she sniffed. “You promise?”

“Mhm. Looks like I really can’t leave you alone. Who knows what you’ll do without someone around to keep an eye on you.”

“I should be the one saying that. So you’ll go and see a doctor about your insomnia tomorrow?”

He threw up his hands in defeat. “If it’ll make you stop asking questions and go back to bed, yes. Now go back to sleep. Unless you’re waiting for me to carry you back?”

She pushed him away when he made as if to scoop her up in his arms. “I’m not a kid anymore, so stop treating me like one.” She stood up, her eyes fixed on him for a long time as if to reassure herself that he was still there. Turning, she grabbed the bottle of whiskey off the table where it had been next to the drinking glass. “I’m confiscating this until you can sleep without it.” she said childishly. “Good night, Reiji.”

Reiji turned to see her go back to her room, the door closing after her. He picked up the bottle of sleeping pills and absent-mindedly rolled the bottle between his fingers. Pressing the plastic bottle against his forehead, he flopped back heavily onto the sofa and sighed.

“It’d be nice if I could just let go though,” he mused out loud to the empty living room. “No fair making me promise things I can’t keep.”


	15. Chapter 15

“Let’s see…” He ran his finger down the printout in his hand. “Broken ribs, check; burst veins in eyes, check; extensive severe bruising all over body…” He glanced up contemplatively at the man in front of him. “Not enough, I think.”

Reiji was a little disappointed, but not surprised that there wasn’t a feeling of relief when he punched Yuuto swiftly in the gut. He hooked a metal pipe lying on the ground with a foot, kicked it up into his hands and brought it into a splendid arc onto the bound man’s arms, followed by his legs, his chest, and every part of his body that was exposed.

He had held a tiny hope that this time would do it, that this physical venting on the body of the man who was the starting point of this laughable tragedy would ease the exhaustion inside him, fill up the emptiness and numbing nothingness that Reiji felt filled his bones and organs and every other part of him. But except for the brief surge of adrenaline that went away more quickly than it came, he still felt the same. No matter how many times he did it, there wasn’t any difference. 

It was morbidly hilarious that despite everything he had put in the past nine years, this was the so-called climax and he still felt the same. Even worse, in fact.  

Life really wasn’t fair.

Frustration made him grab the index finger of Yuuto’s left hand and snap it backwards savagely. He ignored the muffled shriek from the gagged man and took hold of his middle finger next.

“Broken fingers and toes isn’t on the list, but I figured they should be because of what you described,” he said in explanation, stretching out the tension and the groan of pain from the man as he steadily applied pressure while drawing back Yuuto’s ring finger. 

“The autopsy report nine years ago only had a long list of burns due to the car exploding, but there were mentions of fractured and broken bones which the coroner attributed to the car crashing. Now that I know better,” He let go at the feeling of the bone snapping and moved on to the next finger. “I had to go and do a search on the various injuries normally inflicted after a heavy beating. It’s mostly about the bones, but there’s mentions about organs being pierced and ruptured and lots of internal bleeding.” He prodded Takahashi Yuuto in the side and was rewarded with another moan and laboured breathing. “Yup, broken alright. Or bruised at the very least.” He chucked Yuuto’s chin up with his fist so that he was looking into his eyes. 

“I really should just set you on fire and watch, just like you did.” he said quietly. “My parents were probably already dead when you burned them, but I’ll make sure you’ll get to experience what it’s like while still very much alive and conscious.”

He moved to Yuuto’s right side and took hold of his hand.  

“But first, I better finish what I started. I’m starting with the thumb this time.”


	16. Chapter 16

Kotoko was surprised to see Reiji putting on his shoes at the entrance of their home when she got home. 

“I didn’t know you were home early today.”

Reiji stood up and dusted off his legs. 

“Yeah, but something came up. I’ll be back for dinner. Wait for me, okay?”

He casually patted Kotoko on the head before heading out the door. Slipping off her own shoes, Kotoko wandered past the living room and into the kitchen. She was getting a drink from the fridge when she noticed Reiji’s mobile phone on the dining table.

Snatching up the phone, she rushed out of the house just in time to see the green Volkswagen pull out of the driveway and onto the main road. She looked first at the phone in her hand then at the back of the car which was rapidly disappearing from sight. Figuring that it was better he have his phone after all, Kotoko went back into the house. Coming out with her coat and shoes on, she stepped onto the road and flagged down a taxi.

She briefly considered telling the driver the classic line from the movies of ‘follow that car’, but decided against it and gave him the address of the building the police department was housed in.

Leaning back, she gazed out of the window, before looking in front and frowning. Reiji’s car was going down a different street from where she knew the police department was. She considered ignoring it and just continuing on, but an uneasy feeling made her call out to the taxi driver instead. 

***

Reiji quirked an eyebrow at the sight of the taxi following his car on the mostly empty road. There were only two people he knew who would tail him, and one of them would have had the experience to do it less obviously. He resisted the urge to simply pull over and bang his head on the steering wheel in frustration; logically, he knew that the two best options he had now were to either pull over and ask Kotoko why she was following him, or to go the absurdly long way around and eventually end up back at the station,which was where he was supposed to be heading to in the first place.

But Reiji was getting tired. The past week of sleepless nights-except for the brief blackouts caused by the combination of sleeping pills and alcohol-had caught up with him. He was getting tired of hiding things, tired of having to put on an act both at work and at home, tired of having his secrets being pried from his hands when he just wanted to be left alone, with the lies which he cheerfully told the world and himself along with the deep, heavy weight inside him which had kept him company for the past nine years.

The evening sky reflecting off his windshield made him look up briefly. The weather was nice for this time of the year. It was a good day to end things, he thought. A good day for things to come to light, as it was.

The green car turned left into a hidden forested path, deliberately slowing down upon entering the forest. 

*** 

Kotoko looked up at the abandoned warehouse before her, her attention so riveted on it that she didn’t hear the taxi she had just alighted from drive away. The feeling of unease that had been sitting inside her when she saw Reiji’s car going the wrong way had grown into full blown terror when the taxi entered the forest. Her brother’s car was parked some distance away from her, but she could see as she approached that there was no one inside. 

Which meant there was only one place left where Reiji could be. 

Her steps were alarmingly loud in the silence of the woods as she walked towards the only entrance of the warehouse that she could see. The metal door seemed to loom over her, making her think of the phrase ‘abandon hope, all ye who enter’, which was an excellent summary of the feeling of doom inside her: that if she really did choose to enter this place everything that she had believed in would be lost for good. There would be no more turning back.

But Reiji was in there. She saw again in her memories, as clear as if it was happening again right in front of her, her parents waving cheerfully to them, the grey family car driving off into the evening light and never coming back. She remembered sitting alone at the dining table, breakfast for two set out on it, watching the clock tick to afternoon, her ears straining to hear the familiar sound of a green car pulling up to the driveway and only receiving silence in return.

She remembered Reiji, standing next to a noose, the black figure behind him ready to crown him with a cloth bag. 

***

The room she entered was huge, almost cavernous. There was no light except for the fading sunlight which barely made it into the place through the grime-streaked windows high above her. If her footsteps had sounded loud in the forest they were positively echoing now, a startling reminder that she was all alone in an unfamiliar place. She crossed the room quickly, wanting to escape from the echoes as soon as possible. Pushing open the exit, she found herself at the start of a narrow corridor, another door at the end of it.

The next door had been left slightly ajar. Kotoko approached it slowly, one hand trailing against the wall, apprehension setting her senses on high alert. Some noise was coming from behind the door, but she couldn’t tell what it was.

She had been about to press her face against the crack of light coming through when the door was suddenly pulled open.


	17. Chapter 17

Kotoko reflexively took a step backwards as the door suddenly opened. She had expected Reiji to be angry or upset, but he just looked down at her silently, waiting for her to explain herself.

She pulled out his phone from her pocket and held it out to him.

“You left this at home.” She was surprised at how steady her hand and her voice was. Reiji’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Oh, thanks.” He took the phone, then turned his back on her and indicated with a quick jerk of his head for her to follow him in.

“Come in. There’s someone you should meet.”

She trailed after him, her steps hesitant as she looked around. Shadows seemed to fill the place, skittering around the dust reflected by the single light bulb dangling from the ceiling. Reiji went ahead of her, his steps light, hands casually thrust into the pockets of his coat as he led the way. He stopped next to the upright board in the middle of the room. Kotoko fought down a wave of horror as she stared at the person strapped to the platform. 

“Kotoko, meet Takahashi Yuuto.” Reiji said cheerfully. “Hey Yuuto, take a good look. It’s the two children you regretted not murdering from nine years ago. What are the odds of us all being in the same place, eh? Probably the same as you turning yourself over to the police now. Talk about a small world.”

Kotoko raised a hand to her mouth, the urge to turn and run making her legs tremble.

“What… What happened to him?”

“Hmm? What do you mean?” Reiji’s gaze was fixed on the man in front of him. “I don’t think he looks that bad. I made sure not to go overboard, trying to get him to talk. He was a little tight-lipped at first, but I managed to get him to loosen up over time. See?”

Kotoko didn’t know how she managed to stop herself from screaming. 

“You did this to him?”

There was a pause. Only the sound of Yuuto’s laboured breathing filled the silence between them. 

Reiji’s smile was bright when he finally turned to face Kotoko, but his eyes were something else altogether. 

“Hey, Kotoko,” he said softly, casually. “What did it feel like to kill  Itō  Yuki?”


	18. Chapter 18

Kotoko felt as if she was about to blackout. The look on her brother’s face was frightening, an expression that she’d never seen on him before, but it was the question he was asking her that made her feel as if the world was spinning. 

“Hey, Kotoko. What did it feel like to kill  Ito  Yuki?”

She tried to stammer out a denial, but Reiji took his hands out of his pockets and started counting off on his fingers.

“ Ito  Yuki, Suzuki Souta, Suzuki Hitomi, Yamada Fumie… Did I get the order right?” he asked innocently. “I didn’t miss anyone out, did I? I’ve got a pretty good memory myself, you know.”

A sudden spasm of frantic breathing and muffled noises made Reiji turn his attention back to the man bound to the platform next to him. 

“Oh come on,” he chided. “You should have guessed it by now. There’s no need to get so upset just because she completed the rest of your little group. Which reminds me,” he patted the man on both shoulders as if consoling a friend who had just lost a bet. “You’re the only one left now. Should I just let her finish you off as well?” 

He turned back to his sister and asked, his voice as bright as his smile. “Hey, you wanna kill this guy too? You’d like that right, getting a full score? You’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist after all.”

Kotoko’s legs gave out under her at this point. She didn’t realise that she was trembling when she looked up at Reiji, who made a surprised sound and came over to check on her. 

“You knew?” she whispered, her voice shaking. “How? I made sure that you wouldn’t know… I thought I had made sure…”

Reiji’s shadow fell over her as he crouched down, his chin resting in his hands. He tilted his head at her in curiosity.

“Why wouldn’t I know?” he asked, a little surprised. “Seems like you’ve forgotten what I work as. I’m actually quite good at my job, you know,” he huffed. “Oh, but I’m impressed,” He patted her on the head as a compliment. “You did a very neat job on everyone. I’m glad you didn’t make them look like accidents.”

Kotoko had broken out in a cold sweat. Reiji’s words weren’t making much sense to her. 

“I don’t understand… You knew, but you didn’t stop me?”

Reiji exhaled the sigh of the long-suffering. 

“I did. I mean,” He gestured wearily, his hands trying to give shape to his words. “I did try, but you wouldn’t listen to me and just, well, continued with it.” He looked at her mournfully. “You may have the higher IQ between us, but it would be nice if you worked on your EQ as well and learned how to read between the lines sometimes.” He sighed again. “Then a lot of things happened and now here we are.”

She gaped at him, her mind working frantically as she mentally tore through every conversation she’d ever had with her brother over the past three months. 

_ Don’t do anything I wouldn’t, okay? _

_ As if you’re one to talk about hiding something. _

Kotoko felt all the blood drain from her face at once. 

“That-” she managed to stammer out, the world suddenly spinning around her. “That was all the way back in-- You mean you already knew all the way back then? That’s practically right from the beginning,” She stared at him, all the plans that she had crafted so patiently and perfectly falling apart before her eyes faster than she can grasp them. “That’s impossible!”

“Mhm,” Reiji nodded. “Right after Ito Yuki, in fact. Did you know that the murder of three or more people taking place over any time longer than a month is enough to classify a case as a serial killing? Let me tell you, my heart almost pounded straight out from my chest when Ranran made the announcement. My sister, the serial killer,” He shook his head. “Sounds like the title for a corny drama, doesn’t it? I had to do so much work to distract Ranran and the others after that.” He leveled his gaze at her.

“That’s why I told you to leave everything to me, but you wouldn’t listen. Why did you have to go and take my role away from me?”   

Kotoko couldn’t even blink, still caught in the realization that all her previous efforts had been for absolutely nothing as Reiji continued.

“I should have been the one to take care of the three of them. What’s done is done, I know, but I can’t help but feel just a little annoyed.” His eyes held regret now, his voice bitterness. “I wanted you to live normally. I wanted to protect you from the dark places. You shouldn’t have followed me into all this.” He buried his head in his arms. “I’m such a lousy brother,” he said, the words muffled. “I couldn’t stop you at all. I got careless and everything went out of control so quickly and I couldn’t do anything at all. I’m useless.”

Kotoko gradually came out of the shock and dejection that had temporarily overwhelmed her to see her brother rocking slowly on his heels, his head still buried in his arms. This was another side of Reiji that she’d never seen before, and it was unnerving.

She reached out a hand unsteadily.

“Reiji?” she said softly, her voice shaking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was afraid that you’d get caught up and taken away because of what I was doing, that’s why I kept it from you. You’re not useless, it’s all my fault. Please don’t be like this.” She swallowed, words failing her. “You’re scaring me.”

Reiji became still. His shoulders went up as if he was taking a deep breath. It was a while before he lifted his face.

“It’s fine,” he said dully. He plastered both hands over his face and rubbed, a groan escaping. “I’m fine,” he repeated, still rubbing his face, the life returning to his voice as if he was scrubbing the gloominess away from himself. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m alright.”

Kotoko didn’t dare to believe him. 

“I’m sorry,” she said again, timidly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. ...Are you still mad at me?”

Reiji’s hands slid down his face, his expression back to normal. 

“Mhm. I wonder.” 

He rested his arms on his knees again and tilted his head at her. “You haven’t answered my question yet. What did it feel like to kill  Itō  Yuki? Depending on your answer, I might want to finish this guy off myself instead.” He jerked his head slightly to indicate the man behind him. 

“Hey, Kotoko,” This time, his smile reached his eyes. “Answer me? I really want to know.”


	19. Chapter 19

Takahashi Yuuto had been told before that his one redeeming quality-and at the same time his biggest flaw, depending on the situation-was his amazing stubbornness. His refusal to give in even when the odds were sky-high against him when there was something he wanted to achieve could be said to be ridiculous. 

It was this stubbornness that let him survive the past three months of being held captive with his mind intact. Despite everything that Reiji had done to him, especially after he’d confessed the motive behind his crimes nine years ago and Reiji’s violence towards him had escalated rapidly, he’d continued to cling grimly to the hope that he’d be able to escape and make it out alive somehow. The physical body could always be healed, but death was permanent. 

Reiji had been careless and left his gag looser than usual. Yuuto had been working on getting it off-small steps, small victories lead to bigger ones-and was more than halfway through when he heard Reiji telling Kotoko that he might want to kill Yuuto himself after all. 

That casual comment was the noose that had tightened and finally broke Yuuto’s sanity. His frenzied mind remembered Reiji promising that if he told the truth behind the murders nine years ago, he’d let him go free. He didn’t remember that he’d already confessed before and that Reiji had immediately gone back on his word, hence why he was still there and in a much worse state than before; the only thing that thundered through his brain now was that if he told the truth he’d be released and he wouldn’t have to die.

Working the last of the gag off, Yuuto started shouting.

“We did it! Yuki, Souta and I, we were the ones who did it! It wasn’t an accident, we killed them!” He laughed, blood spilling from his lips, his eyes rolling madly. “They were too happy, all of you were too happy, what right did you people have to be so happy, to have such perfect lives while the rest of us didn’t get anything at all? So we killed them, because we had to balance things out,” he shrieked. “If I had known this was going to happen we would have killed the two of you back then as well! To hell with sympathy, to hell with innocence, to hell with the two of you, both of you should have died together with your parents as well back then! Ah, I regret, I regret, this isn’t fair, this isn’t-”

With one smooth movement, Reiji sprinted over, caught up a brick that had been lying on the ground near them and swiftly slammed it into Yuuto’s mouth. He fell silent, blood and teeth dripping down and spotting the concrete floor below him. Dropping the crumbling remains of the brick, Reiji roughly shoved the gag back into the man’s mouth, yanking on the straps to tighten it until it cut into his skin. 

Yuuto’s frantic blabbering echoed through Kotoko’s mind. She raised her hands to her ears, trying to make sense of what had just been shouted at her. 

“I don’t understand,” She stared at the unconscious man and repeated herself. “I don’t understand. What do you mean, we were too happy?” 

She climbed to her feet and slowly made her way forward. Noticing this, Reiji quickly stepped towards her, blocking her way.

“Hey, what did he mean?” she asked, her fingers digging into his arms, her earlier fear of him completely replaced by confusion and a growing sense of dread. “What did he mean, that we were too happy? Why can’t I understand what he’s saying?” She ignored Reiji trying to shush her and pushed back against his hands on her shoulders. “I want to talk to him, I need to understand, I need to know--”

Kotoko hadn’t realised that Reiji had been calling her name repeatedly until he finally raised his voice. She looked up at him, eyes wide. 

“That’s enough.” His voice was light, his grip on her shoulders tight. 

“Huh? What do you mean?” She shook her head. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I understand anything?” 

Reiji bent slightly, his hands cupping his sister’s face, and looked into her eyes.

“Listen to me,” he said earnestly. “You didn’t hear anything. Yuuto’s gone mad. It’s my fault, I guess I overdid things. He was just screaming nonsense, so you didn’t hear anything important. Okay? You didn’t hear anything, right?”

Kotoko wasn’t listening at all. Her brain was whirling, finding connections, words and logic coming together in a terrible, unimaginable conclusion.  _ He admitted to killing our parents / He said that they were too happy / So he had to balance things out / That it wasn’t fair _

_ That it wasn’t fair. _

_ That we were too happy. _

Her hands closed around Reiji’s wrists. 

“He’s lying, right?” This time it was Kotoko’s eyes which were terrible to look at. Reiji bit his lip and resisted the urge to look away as she desperately continued to ask. “That can’t be it, right? He must be lying. Hey, say something.” She was begging at this point, her grip on his wrists surprisingly painful. “Tell me that he’s lying. You said that he’s mad now, right? So I don’t have to listen to what he says? It’s all nothing but lies, right?”

Reiji felt his world collapsing as he nodded. 

“DON’T LIE TO ME AGAIN!” 

She shoved him away suddenly, Reiji only just managing to twist his body and hook an arm around her waist as she lunged viciously at the unconscious man on the platform behind them. It took him all he had to hold her back as she screamed and howled, hands clawing towards Yuuto.

“For something like that,” she raged, her voice edging into madness, “For something like that! Who said you could judge? Who gave you the right to do that? Because of that, I killed! Because they wouldn’t talk, because I was seen, I killed, again and again! Because of you, my brother found out that I’m a murderer! We can’t go back, we can’t be the same again, and you’re saying that it’s not fair?” she wailed, her tears staining the sleeves of Reiji’s coat as she continued to struggle violently against him.

“That’s right, it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you got to live normally all this time as if nothing happened, as if you didn’t do anything at all. Give them back,” Her shrieks pierced Reiji’s ears and heart. “Give me back Mom and Dad! Give me back my happiness, my family! Give me back everything that I lost over the last nine years, give me back the brother I knew! I want him back, I want everyone back! Give them back, you have no right to take them away, give them back to me--”

Reiji reached up and shakily covered Kotoko’s eyes with one hand, his own eyes blurring with tears. She stopped clawing forward and clung onto his arm as if she was drowning. 

“Reirei,” she keened, her voice breaking. “Reirei, I want to go back, I don’t want this, I don’t like this. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I want to go back, I want Mom and Dad…” Reiji let out a sob, his arm tightening around his sister’s waist as she continued to veer wildly between denial and the point of no return. “There’s no way they’re dead, they couldn’t have died because of something like that, there’s no way something like that could have happened. Reirei, where are you?” she mewled, a lost child crying for home. “I’ll be good, I’ll listen to you this time, I won’t kill anymore so please don’t hate me, please don’t abandon me, I don’t want to be alone again--”

He called her name, weeping. They sank down to the ground together, Reiji pulling Kotoko closer until he was practically hunched over her. 

“Come back,” he pleaded, himself a broken man again. “Your brother’s here, I’m here, so don’t go, I’m begging you. You can’t just leave me behind like that, you need to come back, please Kotoko, please...”

It was a long time before the place was silent again.


	20. Chapter 20

“Hello, Ranran? Yeah, I won’t be coming in today either. Mhm, Kotoko’s still sick, and I don’t feel good leaving her alone when she’s like this. The doctor said it’s that bug that’s been going around. We’re good, thanks for asking. No, don’t come over, you might catch it. Yeah, I know it’s been a few days. You guys are still holding up without me, right? Nothing’s exploded or anything? You can tell my girls in the department that I’m busy being an admirable and respectable big brother and not to miss me too much-- Geez, that’s loud, Ranran. Okay, sorry for the trouble. Drinks on me when I get back, promise! Thanks, and I’ll see you around.”

Reiji glanced at the closed door to Kotoko’s bedroom, his phone hanging limply from his fingers. 

He had carried Kotoko home at the end of that painfully long day, had put her to bed and curled up on the floor next to it. When he woke up, nothing had changed. His sister hadn’t moved at all. 

He had left the room to hang up his coat and change his clothes, but when he returned her door was closed and locked. He’d panicked and started banging on the door, calling her name frantically, the worst thoughts blazing through his mind. The relief he felt when she answered and said that she was fine was enough to make him press his forehead against the door and lean against it for support. 

She said that she needed some time to think. So he’d let her be, answering that he’d be there when she was ready to come out. 

The first evening after, he knocked and told her that he had left dinner outside her door. There was no response. 

The next morning he replaced the untouched tray of food with another. That evening had gone by with Reiji stretched out on the sofa, a glass of whisky resting against his chest, the rest of the house so silent that it was painful. The next time he opened his eyes it was morning again, the bottle of liquor on the living room table empty and toppled over on its side. 

He’d staggered to her door and managed to land a knock on it after a few tries. He called out to her, his throat burning from the alcohol. When there was still no reply he’d sunk to his knees and just stayed there. The last time he’d felt so helpless was a lifetime ago, watching the smoke of the crematory billowing in the sky, his father’s black-framed photograph a too heavy burden in his arms.

The strange, insane pressure that’d been building up and weighing him down from the inside since nine years ago hadn’t lessened over time; it’d only gotten bigger and heavier the closer he got to the truth. There had been days when the effort it took just trying to get out of bed to start a new day made him just want to give up on everything.  

He thought there would be a liberating release, some sort of catharsis when Takahashi Yuuto finally talked. But instead he’d found himself in his car, his phone in his hand, an ominous search result on the screen. 

He wondered how many more times he had to break before the leaden weight inside him would finally let him off. 

Reiji closed his eyes, and held back the urge to laugh hysterically when he realised he couldn’t even cry anymore. The list of things he had lost and was still losing was getting longer and longer. He wondered if his voice still worked, and tried it out.

“Help me.”


	21. Chapter 21

Ito Yuki seems almost relieved to talk, as if he was at confessional. The biting cold and the water she had splashed all over him probably helped as well.

He says that it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know that the Minazukis would actually die. It was all Suzuki Souta and Takahashi Yuuto’s fault, he had just gone along with it.

The hope in his eyes turns to panic when she simply spins on her heel and closes the thick metal door on him. The door vibrates slightly under his fists. Kotoko pushes in place all the latches on the door, checks the thermometer outside the walk-in freezer and leaves.

Reiji had been right all along; it hadn’t been an accident.

She’s already thinking of how to find Takahashi Yuuto.

***

Suzuki Souta spills like a fountain when he sees his daughter. From stalking the Minazuki family to rigging the car to explode, Kotoko listens, one hand still holding tight onto Hitomi’s small hand. Reiji's advice on using family against a person really did work wonders.

He ends by pushing all the blame Takahashi Yuuto, that it wasn’t his idea, he wouldn’t have done something like that if Yuuto hadn’t made him. When asked for the reason, he simply said it was because Yuuto had told him to do it.

She watches Suzuki Souta hug his little daughter to his chest. The little girl is glad to see her father and isn’t aware of anything else. He asks if they can go now, since he’s already told her everything he knows.

“You should sing a lullaby to her.”

He stares at her, mouth agape in confusion, then springs to his feet and shouts when Kotoko exits the room and locks and barricades the door behind her. She sings under her breath, sliding away the partition separating the two chemicals in the plastic petrol can that’s rigged up to the room with a rubber pipe. It’s an old song, one that her mother hummed to coax her to sleep as a child.

The banging on the door intensifies as the resulting gas rapidly runs through the clear pipe and into the sealed room. The frantic shouting chokes into violent coughing and gasping. She can hear Hitomi crying.

Kotoko continues to sing softly until there is nothing but silence. There’s envy in her eyes.

_How nice; you got to go together._

***

The old neighbour who kept an eye on Suzuki Hitomi while her father was away fell heavily to Kotoko’s stun-gun. She quickly closes the door behind them.

When she’s done, Kotoko looks back at the living room where Yamada Fumie is hunched over the low table. The old woman looks exactly as if she had fallen asleep while watching television, except for the thick layers of chloroform-soaked cotton taped over her mouth and nose. The multiple layers of tape make it look like she’s wearing a shiny black mask. The zip ties on Yamada Fumie’s wrists and ankles are concealed by her clothes.

Kotoko doesn’t look around the house as she leaves. She doesn’t want to know anything more about the old lady who was the only person to see her when she picked up Suzuki Hitomi.

***

If her parents had really died because someone had deemed them too happy, then was this karma? There had been no real happiness in their house since then, just a series of routines that allowed them to grow up as they had to. Both of them had passed through the various stages of life which would have happened even if their parents had still been around: she had graduated elementary school, followed by middle and high school; Reiji had somehow managed to secure a college scholarship, then the police academy, and finally joined the working world as a proper adult.

Why did they have to suffer payback because of something so ordinary? She still can’t understand, can’t wrap her head around the reason behind having her life changed so badly.

The Reirei of her childhood is gone. She knows now that he disappeared into the evening light with their parents, so many years ago. An adult Reiji stands in the kitchen, his back to her, preparing breakfast and lunch boxes for two, their taste nostalgic enough to make her weep. Her only family becomes more and more of a stranger to her every time he leaves the house and every time he returns with that strange, empty look on his face he thinks she doesn’t notice.

He had hunted down the man who orchestrated the murder of their parents. She doesn’t know who is the real murderer between them: she who had killed four people and treated it like a series of school projects to be completed and graded, or he who had held a man captive for so long and abused him so badly that you could hardly call him human anymore, all the while hiding it so beautifully behind a face of normality.

No wonder Reiji had been so far away from her in that nightmare. No wonder she couldn’t reach him no matter how hard she ran, no matter how much she screamed for him to wait for her.

Reirei whose existence was her world after the death of their parents, who told her stories of sea witches rising from rain puddles, who teased her and laughed and took it back when she cried is gone; Minazuki Reiji who lies so easily, whose gloved hands are stained with blood, who disappeared for a night and came back with hollowed cheeks and eyes, stands in the middle of the abandoned warehouse in the woods, his hands in his pockets, a familiar smile on his lips as he looks down at her.

There is a knock on her door. The sound takes some time to reach her ears, but the next thing she hears in the stifling silence of her room pierces the wall of despair she has built around herself and makes her open her eyes.

“Help me.”


	22. Chapter 22

Reiji had lost track of how much time had passed since his last call to Ranmaru. He slumped over the dining room table, staring blankly at the tray of food in front of him and wondering how long it had been there. He was vaguely aware that he was supposed to be waiting for something, but he had no idea what he was waiting for anymore.

A faint click came from somewhere in the house, followed by slow footsteps after some time. Reiji ignored them, the sounds not fully registering to his brain. 

A shadow fell over him. He glanced up dully, then slowly lifted his head as well, his mouth slightly agape. The chair he had been sitting in fell over as he darted around the table and pulled Kotoko into a desperate hug.

“You’re back.” he gasped in relief, his eyes staring off in the distance, his arms trembling as he held on to her tightly. “You’re still alive.” There were no tears but he couldn’t stop the catch in his voice. “...Thank you for coming back.”

Kotoko remained silent, her arms motionless by her side. 

It was some time before Reiji finally let go. 

“Are you hungry?” he asked, rubbing his eyes, life returning to his actions, one hand still on her shoulder. Kotoko nodded once, stiffly. 

“Okay, just a minute then,” Nudging her towards the table, Reiji made sure she was settled down before reaching for his apron. “What do you want to eat? My special fried chicken? Oh, but since it’s been a while maybe something a little easier on the stomach would be better.” Reiji kept up a steady stream of chatter all the way through cooking, very much aware of the silence that came after every sentence. 

The tray of cold food on the dining table was soon replaced by a steaming bowl of rice porridge. Slipping a spoon into the bowl, Reiji righted the chair he had knocked over earlier and sat himself down opposite Kotoko. 

“Right, here you go; it’s the Minazuki deluxe chicken porridge, guaranteed to chase all the blues away,” he said cheerfully, pushing a glass of water over so that it was within easy reach. “There were some sweet potatoes in the fridge so I added those in as well. Be careful, it’s hot. Do you want some pickled plums to go with it? Not sure if we still have any left but I can check.”

Ignoring the fact that she hadn’t answered him at all since leaving her room, Reiji watched Kotoko fumble awkwardly with her spoon, picking it up and dropping it again several times. She eventually managed to get a spoonful of broth up to her lips. But before it could go any further she stiffened. Startled, Reiji jumped up in shock when the spoon splashed back into the bowl and Kotoko started gagging. 

She managed to grab the glass of water Reiji pressed on to her and drained it immediately. 

“Still too soon, huh,” said Reiji regretfully, patting her on the back as she gradually calmed down. “Easy there. You alright? Want more water?”

Shaking her head, Kotoko attempted to scoop up the porridge again, the spoon trembling badly with her hand.

“Hey hey, it’s fine,” Reiji closed his hand over hers, his brow creased in worry. “Take it easy. If it’s too much I can always prepare something else, so don’t force yourself. I know, I’ll warm up some milk, that should be mild enough, right? Or do you want pudding instead? I can go to the convenience store right now, give me five minu--”

“--cooking.” Kotoko’s voice was hoarse and weak. She tried to swallow and coughed. “Your cooking… used to remind me of Mom’s.” Reiji sat back down again, the strength suddenly gone from his legs. “I was so happy whenever I ate your food, because it was like Mom was still around. But now,” This time the small spoonful of porridge stayed down when she swallowed. 

“Now, I can’t taste anything at all. You’ve changed, Reiji. I can’t tell who cooked this anymore.” The spoon dipped back down and returned with a slightly larger load. “But I’ve changed too, so it’s not your fault. Nine years is too long for anything to stay the same.” The bowl clinked as the spoon settled down for the last time. “I’m sorry, Reiji.”

She didn’t tell Reiji that his grip on her wrist was hurting her. 

“Don’t apologise,” she said through his strangled words. She turned so that she was sitting sideways now, facing him. “Can I tell you the answer to your question from that day? It’s nothing. I felt nothing when I killed Ito Yuki. Just a feeling like ‘Oh, so this is how it’s done, this is what happens’. I’m a hypocrite for being afraid of who you’ve become when I’ve changed just as much as you have.

“I’m sorry, Reiji. I’m sorry for being like this.”

Reiji’s voice was one of a man on his knees. “No, don’t-- Please, don’t say it. ...It’s all my fault, all my fault. I’m so sorry. If I had been better--”

“It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known.” It was the same as what she said to him every year, surrounded by the gravestones of the dead while he drowned in melancholy and memories. 

Reiji realized that Kotoko was wrong; no matter how else he had changed, he was still the teenager who had never grown up to accept that his parents were never coming home again.

“Say Reiji, did those people deserve what we did to them?” Reiji’s eyes refocused. His sister wasn’t looking at him, but rather at a point somewhere behind him. “Did we deserve them doing that to us nine years ago? I don’t know. I still don’t understand why Mum and Dad had to die. I only know what we lost and what we took away from them. Even now, I feel that it’s not enough. It will never be enough.

“We can’t go back anymore, Reiji.”


	23. Chapter 23

Ranmaru hissed out a growl between his teeth, the ringing of his desk phone triggering another headache. Reiji had pulled out all the stops the previous night as a show of appreciation for everyone in the department covering for him during his absence. He’d lost track of the number of bars they had hit after the fourth one, with people dropping like flies and drifting away until it was only him and Reiji left. 

He had no idea how he’d managed to get home last night and was honestly surprised to find himself still in one piece as well, considering the two of them had probably drained at least a quarter of Japan’s alcohol supply together. Seeing that Reiji still hadn’t clocked in yet, Ranmaru figured that the poor sob hadn’t fared as well and was probably face-down in a drain somewhere right now. He reached for the ringing phone with one hand and his coffee with the other.

“Kisaragi here. Talk.”

“I hear that pickle juice is great for curing a hangover. You should try it. Oh, and caffeine makes it worse so you should probably lay off the coffee for a while.”

“Where the hell are you? You better not be calling to ask for someone to pick you up. And why does your voice sound like that? Is that a voice-changer?” Ranmaru was beyond irritated. “The hell are you playing at, Reiji.”

The person on the other end simply rolled off a set of coordinates. 

“The fuck is that? GPS? I told you, I’m not going to pick you up. Get your ass in here within the next twenty minutes.”

“You should probably bring everyone you can grab hold of, you’re going to need the manpower.” A pause. “I’m leaving the rest to you then.”

Ranmaru stared at the receiver in his hand, the drawn out dial tone clearing up his mind and pulling his thoughts together. Slamming down his coffee mug, he grabbed his coat and started yelling. 

*

Reiji stood back and admired his handiwork. 

“Okay my boys and girls, listen up,” he said, his voice chipper as he pointed upwards. “If you will look up,  you’ll see that there’s a large tank hanging right up there. Right above you actually, Yuuto. What’s inside, you ask? You know what happened to the wicked witch of the west when Dorothy splashed water on her? Yup, but because you’re not a witch it’s not water inside.” He waved towards the only door of the room. “The tank’s connected to that door over there. Now, we’re all pretty smart, so I don’t think I need to tell you what happens the next time that door opens.” 

He gestured for Kotoko to come over. She pushed a large stand over as she did, carefully positioning it in front of the man still strapped to the vertical platform. Grabbing hold of the dust cloth covering the stand, Reiji whipped it off with a flourish to reveal a full-length mirror underneath.

Addressing the twitching man in front of him, he tapped the mirror. “How do you like how you look now? I think it really suits you. No need to thank me, it’s only what you deserve. Oh wait, wait, I forgot something.”

He took a step forward, the scalpel in his hand raised. 

“Stop shaking, I’m almost done. You know, with all the practice I’m getting I could be a plastic surgeon next. What do you think? Oh sorry, forgot about your tongue and throat. My bad, my bad. What do you think, Kotoko? Doctor Reirei! Sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

Kotoko watched dispassionately as her brother worked on Takahashi Yuuto’s face, humming in acknowledgement when he was done. 

“I have a feeling you would be assigned to the children’s ward.”

“That’s true,” Reji mused as he wiped the blood off the scalpel and slipped it back inside his coat. “Kids are nice though. You were so cute when you were a kid, Kotoko.” He beamed at his sister, who ignored him with the practiced ease of someone who’s heard the same thing more times then they cared to. 

Tossing aside the two thin pieces of flesh he had just removed, Reiji went to stand beside the mirror again. 

“There we go. Now you can clearly see whoever opens the door next. It’s reflected right here, see? Oh, don’t worry about your eyes, the bleeding should stop soon. I made sure that excessive blood loss isn’t what you’ll die of. I’ve been very careful of that each time I came to see you. I wonder if I should call you lucky? Very few people get to see the exact moment of their death.”

He called out to Kotoko again. “Any last words before we leave?” 

She shook her head. “Can he even hear you?” 

“Sure he can. I left one eardrum intact. Oh, not that way.”

His hands landed on her shoulders and steered her over to a far corner of the room. Sweeping the dust away with his foot, he crouched down, took hold of a metal ring which was embedded into the floor and yanked upwards. 

“Ta dah~” he said, a magician revealing his hand. “Isn’t this exciting? It’s exactly like those thrillers on TV!”

Kotoko peered down the staircase, then looked back over her shoulder at the room they were leaving behind.

“I still feel that we should be the ones to do it.” she frowned. Reiji clucked his tongue. 

“Didn’t you promise me you wouldn’t kill anymore? Besides,” He turned back for a final look as well, a note of maniacal satisfaction in his voice. “It’s only right that the police finish what they should have done nine years ago.”

He held out his hand to Kotoko, who looked down at it, then back up at him. Reiji’s smile was pained.

“Are you still afraid of me?”

She shook her head. “I was just thinking.” Her hand crept into his. He could feel that her fingers were cold, even through his gloves. “It should be our turn next. Will you disappear with me, Reiji? Will you end this with me?”

Reiji closed his hand tightly over hers. “I have to. It’s just the two of us left now. And,” His voice was soft, so soft that Kotoko could barely hear him in the silence of the room. “It’s too lonely, being the only one left behind for no reason.”

Hand in hand, they descended into the darkness together, the trap door flipping closed silently after them.


	24. Chapter 24

[END CREDITS ROLL:]

Ranmaru stands amidst chaos in the warehouse, his eyes wide and his hands clenched into fists. People are running and shouting everywhere. The rest of the police force are trying to get to the smoking, moaning pile of something in the middle of the room, but the steaming acid splashed all over the floor is preventing them from getting closer without the proper equipment. An empty tank dangles high overhead.

When he returns to the station, his steps stop abruptly at Reiji’s desk. He picks up from it a white envelope with the word ‘Resignation’ written on it, stares at it and throws it back onto the table. With a sudden burst of rage, he sweeps everything off the desk and slams both his fists on the surface. The sudden outburst makes everyone in the office stop and stare at him as he pounds on it again and again in frustration.

The scene changes to a quiet wooden harbour by the sea. The harbour is empty except for a single car parked in it. It’s the twilight hours, quiet and misty. Fog drifts around the car, its foreign parts gleaming green, the inside of the car clearly empty. A pair of leather gloves lies discarded on the dashboard. A sea wave rolls up, high enough to take anyone standing on the edge of the harbour with it into its depths. 

The only sound that can be heard is that of the sea. 

THE END


	25. EPILOGUE / DVD ONLY ENDING

“Ahhhh-- This is great. Being able to drive my ride in the countryside with my girl by my side as the leaves change their colors. Yup, this is the life.”

“I didn’t expect you to bring the car over as well.”

“Of course I would! There’s no way I’d leave my precious ride behind. Just thinking about everyone in the force swarming all over it and taking it apart makes me want to cry.”

“I can see that happening. Watch out, there’s something in the middle of the road. Is that a badger? It’s not moving.”

“Probably left over from traffic earlier. Even the roadkill here is different from Japan’s. By the way, what do you want for dinner tonight? There’s a pub with super reviews that I think is somewhere around here--”

“Fried chicken. The special one.”

“...You’re sure? I know it’s been some time since then, but don’t force yourself. You only just started to manage to eat proper food again too.”

“I want to try again. And I miss helping you in the kitchen.” 

“No wonder you’ve been staring at me whenever I go into the kitchen lately. You’re right though, it’s about time both of us started trying again. Alright, I guess it’s off to the Sunday market then. They probably don’t have the seasonings we normally use, but I’ll see what I can find. We might as well grab some tea while we’re there. Oh, good timing for this song. Turn the radio up, will you? Here we go: would you care to sit with me? For a cup of English tea; very twee, very me, any sunny morning...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it to the end, congratulations! I barely managed to make it here myself.
> 
> If you want to flail at me, I have a Curious Cat account: curiouscat.me/Tokei


	26. DVD EXTRAS: OUTTAKES & BONUS MATERIALS

[OUTTAKE 1: IF MIKAZE AI WAS REIJI'S YOUNGER SIBLING]

  
From chapter 6:  
Hearing Reiji's voice from the living room, Ai scrambled back to his feet. Flinging himself at Reiji, both man and boy went crashing spectacularly into the wall behind them. Reiji flailed helplessly in the crater they had accidentally created. 

"Aiai, you're heavy..." 

"Sorry. I'll remember to control my thrust output next time." 

[OUTTAKE 2: IF SHINOMIYA NATSUKI WAS REIJI'S YOUNGER SIBLING]   
From chapter 6:  


Hearing Reiji's voice from the living room, Natsuki scrambled back to his feet. Rushing headfirst towards Reiji, he scooped him up in his arms and, overcome with emotion, proceeded to hug him with all his might.

"DON'T DIE REI-CHAN!"

"NATTSUN MY RIBS MY BACK MY BONES THEY'RE CRUSHING THEY'RE CRUSHING CUT CUT CUT"

Syo raced out towards the two.

"Natsuki, release, release! You're killing the man!"

"REI-CHAN----"

Some say you can still hear the breaking of Reiji's bones echoing through the set to this day. 

***

[BONUS MATERIAL 1]

During one of the long breaks in between shootings, Kotoko and Reiji posted a video of them doing a cheerful duet of ['Ikanaide'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-vtxpEg7b0), impromptu choreography by Reiji. By the end of the next day of shooting the video had gone viral. 

(They were quickly dethroned by a video of Camus effortlessly and elegantly demolishing within five minutes a monster ice-cream sundae that came up to his head and took up half of the cafe table. He was later bestowed the title of 'Mr Cool & Cream' by the cafe's owner.)  

  
  


[BONUS MATERIAL 2]

Kotoko being bewildered at Ranmaru lecturing her on the importance of eating a proper breakfast. Reiji is next to him, dipping karaage in a cone of vanilla soft serve. The guilty box of Caloriemate which started the whole thing is on the table between them. Kotoko wonders if Ranmaru's lecture will end when he finishes eating his banana.  

[BONUS MATERIAL 3:]

Test shots of Reiji and Kotoko in green and grey colored contact lenses for their roles, in an effort to look more like real siblings. (They went with the grey contacts for Kotoko in the end.) 

There’s one of Ranmaru in formal police ceremonial uniform as well, which scored over eight thousand likes within the first few minutes of posting.

[BONUS MATERIAL 4:]

As a sort of follow-up to the first bonus material clip, there’s a short video of Ranmaru and Reiji attempting to dance to ‘Happy Synthesizer’ for no reason whatsoever. 

Ten seconds in Ranmaru accidentally kicks one of the metal folding chairs lined up in the background into Reiji. The rest of the clip is him grumbling while trying to untangle Reiji from the chair, the latter yelping in pain with each movement.

[BONUS MATERIAL 5:]

Reiji on the phone with the scriptwriter:

“I’m really happy that you thought of me for this, and I could be wrong, but I thought I remembered you saying that it would be a feel-good, happy family story this time... Oh. Oh. Er, sorry to hear about that. My condolences…? No no no, it’s fine, my bad! Hang in there, okay?”

“What did he say?”

Reiji’s face was a curious mixture of sheepishness and disbelief.

“His pet hamster died.”

Ranmaru sucked in a deep breath and nodded in understanding. 

“Yeah, that’d mess up a guy big time.”

“...Really now.”

[BONUS MATERIAL 6:]

Reiji happily hugging the child actress who plays eight-year-old Kotoko. She innocently calls him “Rei-chan”. He melts with sheer bliss. 

Kotoko goes by and he looks at her hopefully. 

“Kotobuki-senpai?”

“So distant! Come back, my girl!”

“???”

>

[BONUS MATERIAL 7:]

To his shame, Ranmaru became a little addicted to flicking Reiji’s cheeks after filming that episode. Reiji’s yelps of pain can be heard from the break room whenever there’s a break between shoots. 

The flicking escalated to squishing when Ranmaru realized that there was a strange similarity between Reiji’s cheeks and the paw beans of his cats at home. Reiji is often seen rubbing the sides of his face resentfully whenever Ranmaru’s on set after that.

[BONUS MATERIAL 8:]

The director of the drama covered from head to toe with glitter, the tank from the final warehouse scene dangling over him. Reiji’s loud cheering can be heard somewhere off set. 

[BONUS MATERIAL 9:]

There really is a bento blog for Reiji’s character online, with photos and captions by Minazuki Reiji himself. It’s updated on a daily basis and he even replies to comments left by visitors. Fittingly enough, the last entry is on the day before the final episode airs.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can flail at me at my Curious Cat:: curiouscat.me/Tokei


End file.
